American Humor 01

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Masterpieces Of American Wit And Humor

Thomas L. Masson (Editor)

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Masterpieces Of merican !it nd "umorEdited b# Thomas L. Masson

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Tit%e7 Masterpieces Of merican !it nd "umor

uthor7 Thomas L. Masson (Editor)

1e%ease ate7 ugust* 899: ;EBook 3>?;,es* &e are more than one #ear ahead of schedu%e?;This fi%e &as first posted on @o'ember 8A* 8998?

Edition7 39

Language7 Eng%ish

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;+%%ustration7 Mark T&ain?

M2TE1P+E$E2 O ME1+$@ !+T @ "CMO1

Edited b# Thomas L. Masson

/o%ume +/

B#

ithugh Lud%o&"arriet Beecher 2to&eanforth Marb%e!i%%iam ean "o&e%%s2amue% Minturn Peck!i%%iam $u%%en Br#antand others

349>

$O@TE@T2

G@E2 1EPPL+E1 P%ea for "umor

M1+ETT "OLLE,n Cnmarried ema%e

+TF"CG" LCLO!2e%ections from a Brace of Bo#s

1OBE1T O@E2 BC1ETTE1heumatism Mo'ement $ure

OL+/E1 !E@ELL "OLME2n phorism and a Lecture

O2"C 2. MO11+2The "arp of a Thousand 2trings

2EB 2M+T"M# irst /isit to Port%and

!+LL+M $CLLE@ B1,@TThe Mosuito

O"@ $1/E1$ountr# Buria%Hp%aces

@O1T" M1BLEThe "oosier and the 2a%tHpi%e

@@E B$"EThe Iui%ting


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+TFHG1EE@E "LLE$D ragment

omestic "appiness

$"1LE2 . B1O!@E (rtemus !ard)One of Mr. !ardJs Business Letters

On orts

ME2 1C22ELL LO!ELL!ithout and !ithin

LOC+2 M, L$OTT2treet 2cenes in !ashington

LBE1T B+GELO! P+@EMisJ 2mith

ME2 E1E, 1OO"E Boston Lu%%ab#

$"1LE2 G1"M "LP+@E+rish stronom#

2MCEL M+@TC1@ PEODBessie Bro&n* M. .

1OBE1T $. 2@2 Monod#

$1OL,@ !ELL2The Poster Gir%

ME2 G1@E1 2@E12O@The $onundrum of the Go%f Links

"11+ET BEE$"E1 2TO!EThe MinisterJs !ooing

!+LL+M E@ "O!ELL2Mrs. ohnson

@O@,MOC2The Trout* the $at and the o0 The British Matron

gnes 1epp%ier

PLE O1 "CMO1

More than ha%f a doen #ears ha'e passed since Mr. ndre& Lang*

start%ed for once out of his customar# %ightHheartedness* askedhimse%f* and his readers* and the ghost of $har%es ickensHHa%% threepo&er%ess to ans&erHH&hether the disma% seriousness of the presentda# &as going to %ast fore'erK or &hether* &hen the great &a'e of


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earnestness had ripp%ed o'er our heads* &e &ou%d p%uck up heart to bemerr# and* if needs be* foo%ish once again. @ot that mirth and fo%%#are in an# degree s#non#mous* as of o%dK for the merr# foo%* tooscarce* a%as6 e'en in the times &hen acke of o'er hunted for him inthe high&a#s* has since then gro&n to be rarer than a pheni0. "e hascarried his cap and be%%s and jests and %aughter e%se&here* and has%eft us to the mercies of the serious foo%* &ho is b# no means so

seducti'e a companion. +f the $ocuecigrues are in possession of the%and* and if the# are tenants e0ceeding%# hard to e'ict* it isbecause of the encouragement the# recei'e from those to &hom &einnocent%# turn for he%p7 from the poets* no'e%ists and men of%etters &hose dut# it is to brighten and make g%ad our da#s.

+t is ob'ious* sighs Mr. Birre%% dejected%#* that man# peop%eappear to %ike a drabHco%ored &or%d* hung around &ith dusk# shreds ofphi%osoph#K but it is more ob'ious sti%% that* &hether the# %ike itor not* the drapings gro& a trif%e dingier e'er# #ear* and that noone seems to ha'e the courage to tack up something ga#. !hat is much&orse* e'en those bits of &anton co%or &hich ha'e rested generations

of &ear# e#es are being rapid%# obscured b# somber and intricatescro%%H&ork* &arranted to oppress and fatigue. The great masterpiecesof humor* &hich ha'e kept men #oung b# %aughter* are being tried inthe courts of an orthodo0 mora%it# and found %amentab%# &antingK ore%se* b# &a# of gi'ing them another chance* the# are being subjectedto the peine forte et dure of modern ana%#sis* and are re'ea%inghideous and me%ancho%# meanings in the process. + ha'e a%&a#s be%ie'edthat "udibras o&es its chi%%# treatment at the hands of criticsHH&iththe sing%e and most genia% e0ception of 2ainteHBeu'eHHto the abso%uteimpossibi%it# of t&isting it into something serious. 2tri'e as &e ma#*&e cannot put a ne& construction on those 'igorous o%d jokes* and tobe simp%# and barefaced%# amusing is no %onger considered a sufficient

raison dJetre. +t is the most significant token of our e'erHincreasing sense of mora% responsibi%it# in %iterature that &eshou%d be a%&a#s tr#ing to graft our o&n conscientious purposes uponthose authors &ho* happi%# for themse%'es* %i'ed and died before'irtue* co%%iding desperate%# &ith cakes and a%e* had imposed suchdepressing ob%igations.

Jon Iui0ote*J sa#s Mr. 2horthouse &ith unctuous gra'it#* &i%%come in time to be recognied as one of the saddest books e'er&rittenK and* if the critics keep on e0pounding it much %onger* +tru%# fear it &i%%. +t ma# be urged that $er'antes himse%f &as %o&enough to think it e0ceeding%# funn#K but then one ad'antage of our

ne& and keener insight into %iterature is to pro'e to us ho&indifferent%# great authors understood their o&n masterpieces.2hakespeare* &e are to%d* kne& comparati'e%# %itt%e about "am%et*and he is to be congratu%ated on his %imitations. efoe &ou%d hard%#recognie 1obinson $rusoe as a picture of ci'i%iation* ha'inginnocent%# supposed it to be uite the re'erseK and he &ou%d be asamaed as &e are to %earn from Mr. rederic "arrison that his bookcontains more ps#cho%og#* more po%itica% econom#* and moreanthropo%og# than are to be found in man# e%aborate treatises onthese especia% subjectsHHb%ighting &ords &hich + &ou%d not e'en'enture to uote if + thought that an# bo# &ou%d chance to read themand so ha'e one of the p%easures of his #oung %ife destro#ed. s for

on Iui0ote* &hich its author persisted in regarding &ith suchmisp%aced %e'it#* it has passed through man# be&i%dering'icissitudes. +t has figured bra'e%# as a satire on the uke ofLerma* on $har%es /.* on Phi%ip ++.* on +gnatius Lo#o%aH$er'antes &as


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the most de'out of $atho%icsHHand on the +nuisition* &hich*fortunate%#* did not think so. +n fact* there is %itt%e or nothing&hich it has not meant in its timeK and no&* ha'ing attained thatdeep spiritua% in&ardness &hich &e ha'e been recent%# to%d is %ackingin poor Go%dsmith* &e are reuested b# Mr. 2horthouse to refrain froma%% bruta% %aughter* but* &ith a shado smi%e and a profoundseriousness* to attune ourse%'es to the proper state of recepti'it#.

O%dHfashioned* coarseHminded peop%e ma# perhaps ask* But if &e arenot to %augh at Jon Iui0ote*J at &hom are &e* p%ease* to %aughHHauestion &hich +* for one* &ou%d hard%# dare to ans&er. On%#* after reading the fo%%o&ing curious sentence* e0tracted from a %ate%#pub%ished 'o%ume of criticism* + confess to finding m#se%f in a stateof menta% perp%e0it# utter%# a%ien to mirth. "o& much happier* itsauthor stern%# reminds us* &as poor on Iui0ote in his energeticcareer* in his earnest redress of &rong* and in his u%timate triumpho'er se%f* than he cou%d ha'e been in the gna&ing reproach andspiritua% stigma &hich a #ie%ding to &eakness ne'er fai%ing%#entai%s6 Be#ond this point it &ou%d be hard to go. !ere these thingsrea%%# spoken of the ingenious gent%eman of La Mancha or of ohn

"o&ard or George Peabod# or perhaps E%iabeth r#HHor is there no%onger such a thing as recognied absurdit# +n the &or%d

nother g%oom# indication of the departure of humor from our midst isthe tendenc# of phi%osophica% &riters to pro'e b# ana%#sis that* ifthe# are not fami%iar &ith the thing itse%f* the# at %east kno& of&hat it shou%d consist. Mr. 2horthouseJs depressing 'ie&s about onIui0ote are mere%# introduced as i%%ustrating a 'er# scho%ar%# andcomfort%ess paper on the subt%e ua%ities of mirth. @o one cou%d dea%more gracefu%%# and %ess humorous%# &ith his topic than does Mr.2horthouse* and &e are compe%%ed to pause e'er# no& and then andreassure ourse%'es as to the subject matter of his e%ouence.

Professor E'erett has more recent%# and more cheerfu%%# defined forus the Phi%osoph# of the $omic* in a &a# &hich* if it does not add toour gaiet#* cannot be accused of p%unging us de%iberate%# into g%oom."e thinks* indeedHHand sma%% &onderHHthat there is a genuinedifficu%t# in distinguishing bet&een the comic and the tragic* andthat &hat &e need is some formu%a &hich sha%% accurate%# interpretthe precise ua%ities of each* and he is disposed to i%%ustrate histheor# b# d&e%%ing on the tragic side of a%staff* &hich is* of a%%injuries* the grimmest and hardest to forgi'e. a%staff is no& thefor%orn hope of those &ho %o'e to %augh* and &hen he is taken a&a#from us* as soon* a%as6 he &i%% be* and s%eeps &ith on Iui0ote inthe du%% co%d marb%e of an orthodo0 sobriet#* ho& sha%% &e make

merr# our sou%s Mr. George 1adford* &ho enriched the first 'o%ume ofObiter dicta &ith such a %o'ing stud# of the fatH&itted o%d knight*te%%s us reassuring%# that b# %aughter man is distinguished from thebeasts* though the cares and sorro&s of %ife ha'e a%% but depri'edhim of this e%e'ating grace and degraded him into a bruta% so%emnit#.Then comes a%ong a rare genius %ike a%staff* &ho restores the po&erof %aughter* and transforms the sto%id brute once more into a man*and &ho according%# has the highest c%aim to our gratefu% andaffectionate regard. That there are those &ho persist in %ooking uponhim as a se%fish and &orth%ess fe%%o& is* from Mr. 1adfordJs point of'ie&* a sorro&fu% instance of human thank%essness and per'ersit#. Butthis + take to be the enamored and e0aggerated %anguage of a too

faithfu% partian. Mora%%# speaking* a%staff has not a %eg to standupon* and there is a tragic e%ement %urking a%&a#s amid the fun. But*seen in the broad sun%ight of his transcendent humor* this shado& isas the ha%fpenn#&orth of bread to his o&n nob%e ocean of sack* and


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&h# shou%d &e be fore'er tr#ing to force it into prominence !hen$har%otte Bronte ad'ised her friend E%%en @usse# to read none of2hakespeareJs comedies* she &as not begui%ed for a moment intoregarding them as serious and me%ancho%# %essons of %ifeK but &ithuncompromising directness put them do&n as mere improper p%a#s* theamusing ua%ities of &hich &ere insufficient to e0cuse theircoarseness* and &hich &ere manifest%# unfit for the gent%e E%%enJs

e#es.

+n fact* humor &ou%d at a%% times ha'e been the poorest e0cuse tooffer to Miss Bronte for an# form of mora% dere%iction* for it &asthe one ua%it# she %acked herse%f and fai%ed to to%erate in others.2am !e%%er &as apparent%# as obno0ious to her as &as a%staff* forshe &ou%d not e'en consent to meet ickens &hen she &as being%ionied in London societ#HHa degree of abstemiousness on her part&hich it is disheartening to contemp%ate. +t does not seem too muchto sa# that e'er# shortcoming in $har%otte BronteJs admirab%e &ork*e'er# %imitation in her sp%endid genius* arose primari%# from her&ant of humor. "er se'erities of judgmentHHand &ho more se'ere than

sheHH&ere due to the same me%ancho%# causeK for humor is thekind%iest thing a%i'e. $ompare the harshness &ith &hich she hand%esher hap%ess curates and the comparati'e crudit# of her treatment*&ith the surprising %ightness of Miss ustenJs touch as she roundsand comp%etes her immorta% c%erica% portraits. Miss Bronte te%%s us*in one of her %etters* that she regarded a%% curates ashigh%# uninteresting* narro&* and unattracti'e specimens of thecoarser se0* just as she found a%% the Be%gian schoo%gir%sco%d* se%fish* anima% and inferior. But to Miss ustenJs keen andfriend%# e#e the narro&est of c%erg#men &as not &ho%%# uninteresting*the most inferior of schoo%gir%s not &ithout some c%aim to ourconsiderationK e'en the coarseness of the ma%e se0 &as far from

'e0ing her maiden%# serenit#* probab%# because she &as unacuainted&ith the 1ochester t#pe. Mr. E%ton is certain%# narro&* Mar# Bennete0treme%# inferiorK but their authoress on%# %aughs at them soft%#*&ith a uiet to%erance and a goodHnatured sense of amusement at theirfo%%ies. +t &as %itt%e &onder that $har%otte Bronte* &ho had at a%%times the courage of her con'ictions* cou%d not and &ou%d not readane ustenJs no'e%s. The# ha'e not got stor# enough for me* shebo%d%# affirmed. + donJt &ant m# b%ood curd%ed* but + %ike to ha'eit stirred. Miss usten strikes me as mi%kHandH&ater# and* to sa#truth* du%%. Of course she did6 "o& &as a &oman* &hose ideas ofafterHdinner con'ersation are embodied in the amaing %anguage ofBaroness +ngram and her tit%ed friends to appreciate the de%icious*

s%eep# sma%%Hta%k in 2ense and 2ensibi%it#* about the respecti'eheights of the respecti'e grandchi%dren +t is to Miss BronteJsabiding %ack of humor that &e o&e such state%# caricatures as B%anche+ngram and a%% the highHborn* i%%Hbred compan# &ho gather inThornfie%d "a%%* %ike a group fresh from Madame TussaudJs ingenious&orkshop* and against &hose &a0en unrea%it# ane E#re and 1ochester*a%i'e to their 'er# fingerHtips* contrast %ike t&in sparks of fire.+t &as her %ack of humor* too* &hich begui%ed her into asserting thatthe fort# &icked* sophistica% and immora% rench no'e%s &hich foundtheir &a# do&n to %one%# "a&orth ga'e her a thorough idea of ranceand ParisHHa%as6 poor* misjudged rance6HHand &hich made her thinkThackera# 'er# near%# as &icked* sophistica% and immora% as the

rench no'e%s. E'en her dis%ike for chi%dren &as probab%# due to thesame irremediab%e misfortuneK for the humors of chi%dren are the on%#redeeming points amid their genera% naughtiness and 'e0ingmisbeha'ior. Mr. 2&inburne* gui%t%ess himse%f of an# jocose


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tendencies* has made the uniue disco'er# that $har%otte Brontestrong%# resemb%es $er'antes* and that Pau% Emanue% is a moderncounterpart of on Iui0oteK and &e%% it is for our poet that theirascib%e %itt%e professor ne'er heard him hint at such a simi%arit#.2ure%#* to use one of Mr. 2&inburneJs o&n incomparab%e e0pressions*the para%%e% is no better than a subsimious absurdit#.

On the other hand* &e are to%d that Miss usten o&ed her %i'e%# senseof humor to her habit of dissociating the fo%%ies of mankind from an#rigid standard of right and &rongK &hich means* + suppose* that shene'er dreamed she had a mission. @o&ada#s* indeed* no &riter is&ithout one. !e cannot e'en read a paper upon g#psies and not becomea&are that its author is deep%# imbued &ith a sense of his persona%responsibi%it# for these agreeab%e rasca%s &hom he insists upon ourtaking serious%# as if &e &anted to ha'e an#thing to do &ith them onsuch terms6 2ince the time of $ar%#%e* sa#s Mr. Bagehot*earnestness has been a fa'orite 'irtue in %iteratureK but Oar%#%e*though sharing %arge%# in that profound me%ancho%# &hich he dec%aredto be the basis of e'er# Eng%ish sou%* and though he &as unfortunate

enough to think Pick&ick sad trash* had ne'erthe%ess a grim ande%ouent humor of his o&n. !ith him* at %east* earnestness ne'erdegenerated into du%nessK and &hi%e du%ness ma# be* as heunhesitating%# affirmed* the first reuisite for a great and freepeop%e* #et a too hea'# percentage of this 'a%uab%e ua%it# is fata%to the spright%# grace of %iterature. +n our times* said an o%d2cotch&oman* thereJs fu%%# mon# modern princip%es* and the first ofthese seems to be the substitution of a serious and critica%discernment for the %ightHhearted s#mpath# of former da#s. Ourgrandfathers cried a %itt%e and %aughed a good dea% o'er their books*&ithout the sma%%est sense of an0iet# or responsibi%it# in thematterK but &e are ca%%ed on repeated%# to face prob%ems &hich &e

&ou%d rather %et a%one* to di'e disma%%# into moti'es* to tracesubt%e connections* to ana%#e uncomfortab%e sensations* and toe0ercise in a%% cases a discreet and conscientious se'erit#* &hen&hat &e rea%%# &ant and need is ha%f an hourJs amusement. There is nostronger proof of the great change that has s&ept o'er mankind thanthe sight of a nation &hich used to chuck%e o'er Tom onesabsorbing a fe& #ears ago count%ess editions of 1obert E%smere. !hat is dro%%er sti%% is that the peop%e &ho read 1obertE%smere &ou%d think it &rong to enjo# Tom ones* and that thepeop%e &ho enjo#ed Tom ones &ou%d ha'e thought it &rong to read1obert E%smereK and that the peop%e &ho* &ishing to be on the safeside of 'irtue* think it &rong to read either* are scorned great%# as

%acking true mora% discrimination.

@o& he &ou%d be a bra'e man &ho &ou%d undertake to defend the utter%#indefensib%e %iterature of the past. !here it &as most humorous it&as a%so most coarse* &anton and crue%K but* in banishing theseobjectionab%e ua%ities* &e ha'e effectua%%# contri'ed to ridourse%'es of the humor as &e%%* and &ith it &e ha'e %ost one of thesafest instincts of our sou%s. n# book &hich ser'es to %o&er the sumof human gaiet# is a mora% de%inuentK and instead of codd%ing itinto uni'ersa% notice and gro&ing o&%ish in its g%oom* &e shou%d putit brisk%# aside in fa'or of brighter and p%easanter things. !henather aber said that there &as no greater he%p to a re%igious %ife

than a keen sense of the ridicu%ous* he start%ed a number of piouspeop%e* #et &hat a %uminous and cordia% message it &as to he%p us onour &a#6 Mr. Birre%% has recorded the e0traordinar# de%ight &ith&hich he came across some afterHdinner sa%%# of the 1e'erend "enr#


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Mart#nJsK for the 'er# thought of that ardent and fier# spiritre%a0ing into p%easantries o'er the nuts and &ine made him appear%ike an actua% fe%%o&Hbeing of our o&n. +t is &ith the same fee%ingintensified* as + ha'e a%read# noted* that &e read some of the%etters of the ear%# fathersHHthose gra'e and ha%%o&ed figures seenthrough a mist of centuriesHHand find them jesting at one another inthe ga#est and %east sacerdota% manner imaginab%e. !ho cou%d te%% a

stor# &ith more &it* &ho cou%d joke so p%easant%# sighs 2t. Gregor#of @aienen of his friend 2t. Basi%* remembering doubt%ess &ith ahea'# heart the shafts of goodHhumored rai%%er# that had brightenedtheir %ife%ong intercourse. !ith &hat kind%# and %o'ing est doesGregor#* himse%f the most austere of men* mock at Basi%JsasceticismHHat those sad and hungr# banuets of &hich he &asin'ited to partake* those ungardenH%ike gardens* 'oid of potHherbs*in &hich he &as e0pected to dig6 !ith &hat de%ightfu% a%acrit# doesBasi% 'indicate his reputation for humor b# making a most e0ce%%entjoke in court* for the benefit of a bruta% magistrate &ho fierce%#threatened to tear out his %i'er6 ,our intention is a bene'o%entone* said the saint* &ho had been for #ears a confirmed in'a%id.

!here it is no& %ocated* it has gi'en me nothing but troub%e.2ure%#* as &e read such an anecdote as this* &e share in the curioussensation e0perienced b# %itt%e Tom Tu%%i'er* &hen* b# dint ofMaggieJs repeated uestions* he began s%o&%# to understand that the1omance had once been rea% men* &ho &ere happ# enough to speak theiro&n %anguage &ithout an# pre'ious introduction to the Eton grammar.+n %ike manner* &hen &e come to rea%ie that the fathers of theprimiti'e church enjo#ed their uips and cranks and jests as much asdo Mr. Tro%%opeJs jo%%# deans or 'icars* &e fee% &e ha'e at %astgrasped the secret of their identit#* and &e appreciate the force ofather aberJs appea% to the frank spirit of a &ho%esome mirth.

Perhaps one reason for the scant# to%erance that humor recei'es atthe hands of the disaffected is because of the rather se%fish &a# in&hich the initiated enjo# their funK for there is a%&a#s a secretirritation about a %augh in &hich &e cannot join. Mr. George2aintsbur# is p%ain%# of this &a# of thinking* and* being b%essedbe#ond his fe%%o&s &ith a %o'e for a%% that is jo'ia%* he speaks fromout of the richness of his e0perience. Those &ho ha'e a sense ofhumor* he sa#s* instead of being uiet%# and humb%# thankfu%* areperhaps a %itt%e too apt to ce%ebrate their jo# in the face of theaff%icted ones &ho ha'e it notK and the aff%icted ones on%# fo%%o& agenera% %a& in protesting that it is a 'er# &orth%ess thing* if not acomp%ete humbug. This spirit of e0c%usi'eness on the one side and of

irascibi%it# on the other ma# be great%# dep%ored* but &ho is thereamong us* + &onder* &ho%%# innocent of b%ame Mr. 2aintsbur# himse%fconfesses to a si%ent chuck%e of de%ight &hen he thinks of the dim%#'ei%ed censoriousness &ith &hich PeacockJs inimitab%e humor has beenrecei'ed b# oneHha%f of the reading &or%d. +n other &ords* hisenjo#ment of the 1e'erend octors o%%iott and Opimian is sensib%#increased b# the ref%ection that a great man# &orth# peop%e* e'enamong his o&n acuaintances* are* b# some m#sterious %a& of theirbeing* debarred from an# share in his p%easure. ,et sure%# &e neednot be so niggard%# in this matter. There is &it enough in those t&ore'erend gent%emen to go a%% around the %i'ing earth and %ea'e p%ent#for generations no& unborn. Each might sa# &ith u%iet7

The more + gi'e to thee* The more + ha'eK


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for &it is as infinite as %o'e* and a dea% more %asting in itsua%ities. !hen Peacock describes a countr# gent%emanJs range ofideas as near%# commensurate &ith that of the great king@ebuchadnear &hen he &as turned out to grass* he affords us ahapp# i%%ustration of the eterna% fitness of humor* for there canhard%# come a time &hen such an apt comparison &i%% fai% to point itsmeaning.

Mr. Birre%% is uite as se%fish in his fe%icit# as Mr. 2aintsbur#*and perfect%# frank in ackno&%edging it. "e d&e%%s rapturous%# o'ercertain &e%%H%o'ed pages of Pride and Prejudice and Mansfie%dPark* and then de%iberate%# adds* !hen an admirer of Miss ustenreads these fami%iar passages* the smi%e of satisfaction* betra#ingthe deep in&ard peace the# ne'er fai% to beget* &idens %ike Ja circ%ein the &ater*J as he remembers (and he is a%&a#s carefu% to remember)ho& his dearest friend* &ho has been so successfu% in %ife* can nomore read Miss usten than he can read the Moabitish stone. The samepecu%iarit# is noticeab%e in the more ardent %o'ers of $har%es Lamb.The# seem to &ant him a%% to themse%'es* %ook askance upon an#

fe%%o&Hbeing &ho 'entures to assert a modest preference for theirido%* and brighten 'isib%# &hen some ponderous critic dec%ares theLetters to be sad stuff and not &orth ha%f the e0asperating nonsenseta%ked about them. ,et Lamb f%ung his good things to the &ind &ithcharacteristic prodiga%it#* %itt%e recking b# &hom or in &hat spiritthe# &ere recei'ed. "o& man# &itticisms* + &onder* &ere roared intothe deaf ears of o%d Thomas !est&ood* &ho heard them not* a%as6 but&ho %aughed a%% the same* out of pure sociabi%it#* and &ith ap%easant sense that something funn# had been said6 nd &hat of thati%%Hfated pun &hich Lamb* in a moment of dep%orab%e abstraction* %etfa%% at a funera%* to the surprise and consternation of the mourners2ure%# a man &ho cou%d joke at a funera% ne'er meant his p%easantries

to be hoarded up for the benefit of an initiated fe&* but &ou%dg%ad%# see them the propert# of a%% %i'ing menK a#* and of a%% deadmen* too* &ere such a distribution possib%e. amn the age6 + &i%%&rite for antiuit#6 he e0c%aimed &ith not unnatura% heat &hen theG#ps#Js Ma%ison &as rejected b# the ingenious editors of theGem* on the ground that it &ou%d shock a%% mothersK and e'enthis e0pression* uttered &ith pardonab%e irritation* manifests noso%icitude for a narro& and esoteric audience.

!it is usefu% for e'er#thing* but sufficient for nothing* sa#smie%* &ho probab%# fe%t he needed some e0cuse for bur#ing so much ofhis Ga%%ic spright%iness in Teutonic g%oomK and du%ness* it must be

admitted* has the distinct ad'antage of being usefu% for e'er#bod#and sufficient for near%# e'er#bod# as &e%%. @othing* &e are to%d* ismore rationa% than ennuiK and Mr. Bagehot* contemp%ating the gra'efi%es of speech%ess men &ho ha'e a%&a#s represented the Eng%ish%and* e0u%ts more open%# and energetica%%# e'en than $ar%#%e in thesa'ing du%ness* the superb impenetrabi%it#* &hich stamps theEng%ishman* as it stamped the 1oman* &ith the signHmanua% of patientstrength. 2tupidit#* he reminds us* is not fo%%#* and moreo'er itoften insures a 'a%uab%e consistenc#. !hat + sa#s is this here* as +&as aHsa#ing #esterda#* is the a'erage Eng%ishmanJs notion ofhistorica% e%ouence and habitua% discretion. But Mr. Bagehot cou%d&e%% afford to trif%e thus co#%# &ith du%ness* because he kne& it

on%# theoretica%%# and as a dispassionate obser'er. "is o&n roofHtreeis free from the b%ighting presenceK his o&n pages are gui%t%ess ofthe %eaden touch. +t has been &e%% said that an ordinar# morta% might%i'e for a t&e%'emonth %ike a gent%eman on "a%ittJs ideasK but he


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might* if he &ere c%e'er* shine a%% his %ife %ong &ith the ref%ectedsp%endor of Mr. BagehotJs &it* and be thought to gi'e forth a 'er#respectab%e i%%umination. There is a te%%ing ua%it# in e'er# strokeKa piti%ess de0terit# that dri'es the &eapon* %ike a fair#Js arro&*straight to some 'ita% point. !hen &e read that of a%% pursuits e'erin'ented b# man for separating the facu%t# of argument from thecapacit# of be%ief* the art of debating is probab%# the most

effecti'e* &e fee% that an un&e%come statement has been e0pressed&ith Mephistophe%ian coo%nessK and remembering that these &ords &ereuttered before Mr. G%adstone had attained his par%iamentar#preeminence* &e ha'e but another proof of the imperishab%e accurac#of &it. On%# sa# a c%e'er thing* and mankind &i%% go on fore'erfurnishing %i'ing i%%ustrations of its truth. +t &as Thur%o& &hoorigina%%# remarked that* companies ha'e neither bodies to kick norsou%s to %ose* and the jest fits in so apt%# &ith our e'er#da#humors and e0periences that + ha'e heard men attribute it casua%%# totheir friends* thinking* perhaps* that it must ha'e been born inthese times of giant corporations* of cit# rai%roads* and of trusts.!hat a gap bet&een Iueen /ictoria and Iueen BessK &hat a thorough and

farHreaching change in e'er#thing that goes to make up the %ife andhabits of menK and #et 2hakespeareJs fine strokes of humor ha'ebecome so fitted to our common speech that the 'er# unconsciousness&ith &hich &e app%# them pro'es ho& the# ta%%# &ith our modernemotions and opportunities. Lesser %ights burn uite as steadi%#.Pope and Go%dsmith reappear on the %ips of peop%e &hose kno&%edge ofthe Essa# on Man is of the 'er# haiest character* and &hoseacuaintance &ith 2he 2toops to $onuer is confined e0c%usi'e%# toMr. bbe#Js gracefu% i%%ustrations. @ot 'er# %ong ago + heard abright schoo%gir%* &hen reproached for &et feet or some such #outhfu%indiscretion* e0cuse herse%f gai%# on the p%ea that she &as bu%%#ingnatureK and* kno&ing that the chi%d &as but modest%# addicted to her

books* + &ondered ho& man# of octor "o%mesJs trenchant sa#ings ha'ebecome a heritage in our househo%ds* detached often from theirorigina% kinship* and seeming %ike the rightfu% propert# of e'er# one&ho utters them. +t is an amusing* barefaced* &it%ess sort ofrobber#* #et sure%# not &ithout its compensationsK for it must be ap%easant thing to ref%ect in o%d age that the genera% murkiness of%ife has been %it up here and there b# sparks struck from oneJs#outhfu% fire* and that these sparks* though the# &ander occasiona%%#master%ess as &i%%HoJHtheH&isps* are destined ne'er to go out.

re destined ne'er to go out6 +n its 'ita%it# %ies the supremee0ce%%ence of humor. !hate'er has &it enough to keep it s&eet

defies corruption and out%asts a%% timeK but the &it must be of thatout&ard and 'isib%e order &hich needs no introduction ordemonstration at our hands. +t is an o%d trick &ith du%% no'e%ists todescribe their characters as being e0ceptiona%%# bri%%iant peop%e*and to trust that &e &i%% take their &ord for it and ask no furtherproof. E'er# one remembers ho& Lord Beaconsfie%d &ou%d te%% us that acardina% cou%d spark%e &ith anecdote and b%ae &ith reparteeK andho& utter%# destitute of spark%e or b%ae &ere the specimens of "isEminenceJs con'ersation &ith &hich &e &ere subseuent%# fa'ored.Those %i'e%# dinners in End#mion and Lothair at &hich &e &ereassured the brightest minds in Eng%and %o'ed to gather became mereBarmecide feasts &hen reported to us &ithout a sing%e amusing remark*

such &aifs and stra#s of con'ersation as reached our ears being ofthe dreariest and most fatuous description. +t is not so &ith therea% masters of their craft. Mr. Peacock does not stop to e0p%ain tous that octor o%%iott is &itt#. The re'erend gent%eman opens his


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mouth and acuaints us &ith the fact himse%f. There is no need forGeorge E%iot to e0patiate on Mrs. Po#serJs humor. i'e minutes ofthat %ad#Js societ# is amp%# sufficient for the re'e%ation. !e do note'en hear Mr. Po#ser and the rest of the fami%# en%arging de%ighted%#on the subject* as do a%% of Laer Putne#Js friends* in Mr."o&e%%sJs stor#* nnie Di%burnK and #et e'en the united testimon#of "atboroJ fai%s to c%ear up our %ingering doubts concerning Mr.

Putne#Js &it. The du%% peop%e of that soporific to&n are rea%%# andtru%# and rea%istica%%# du%%. There is no mistaking them. The stampof 'eracit# is upon e'er# bro&. The# pa# morning ca%%s* and &e %istento their con'ersation &ith a dream# impression that &e ha'e heard ita%% man# times before* and that the ghosts of our o&n morning ca%%sare re'isiting us* not in the g%impses of the moon* but in Mr."o&e%%sJs decorous and uiet pages. That curious con'iction that &eha'e former%# passed through a precise%# simi%ar e0perience is strongupon us as &e read* and it is the most emphatic testimon# to theno'e%istJs pecu%iar ski%%. But there is none of this instantaneousacuiescence in Mr. Putne#Js &itK for a%though he does make one 'er#nice %itt%e joke* it is hard%# enough to f%a'or a%% his con'ersation*

&hich is for the most part rather un&ho%esome than humorous. The on%#&a# to e%ucidate him is to suppose that Mr. "o&e%%s* in sardonicmood* &ishes to sho& us that if a man be discreet enough to take tohard drinking in his #outh* before his genera% emptiness isascertained* his friends in'ariab%# credit him &ith a host of shiningua%ities &hich* &e are gi'en to understand he ba%ked and frustratedb# his one unfortunate &eakness. "o& man# of us kno& thesee0ceptiona%%# bri%%iant %aers* doctors* po%iticians and journa%ists&ho bear a charmed reputation based e0c%usi'e%# upon their inebriet#*and &ho take good care not to imperi% it b# too %ong a re%apse intothe mortif#ing se%fHre'e%ations of soberness6 nd &hat &rong has beendone to the honored name of humor b# these pretentious rasca%s6 !e do

not %o'e a%staff because he is drunkK &e do not admire Beck# 2harpbecause she is &icked. runkenness and &ickedness are things eas# ofimitationK #et a%% the sack in $hristendom cou%d not beget us anothera%staffHHthough 2eithen#n ap 2eith#n comes 'er# near to theincomparab%e mode%HHand a%% the &ickedness in the &or%d cou%d notfashion us a second Beck# 2harp. There are too man# du%% topers andstupid sinners among mankind to admit of an# uncertaint# on thesepoints.

Bishop Burnet* in describing Lord "a%ifa0* te%%s us* &ith thin%#'ei%ed disapprobation* that he &as a man of fine and read# &it* fu%%of %ife* and 'er# p%easant* but much turned to satire. "is

imagination &as too hard for his judgment* and a se'ere jest tookmore &ith him than a%% arguments &hate'er. ,et this &as the firststatesman of his age* and one &hose c%ear and tranui% 'isionpenetrated so far be#ond the turbu%ent* troub%ed times he %i'ed inthat men %ooked askance upon a po&er the# but dim%# understood. Thesturd# Trimmer* &ho &ou%d be bu%%ied neither b# king nor commons*&ho &ou%d speak his mind and not be hanged as %ong as there &as %a&in Eng%and* must ha'e turned &ith infinite re%ief from the horrib%emed%e# of p%ots and counterp%ots* from the ug%# images of Oates andangerfie%d* from the scaffo%ds of 2tafford and 1usse%% and 2idne#*from the B%ood# $ircuit and the massacre of G%encoe* from the fa%sesmi%es of princes and the ho&%ing arrogance of the mob* to an# jest*

ho&e'er se'ere* &hich &ou%d restore to him his co%d and fastidiousserenit# and keep his judgment and his good temper unimpaired.1idicu%e is the test of truth* said "a%itt* and it is a test &hich"a%ifa0 remorse%ess%# app%ied* and &hich &ou%d not be &ithout its


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uses to the Trimmer of toHda#* in &hom this adjusting sense is%amentab%# %acking. or humor distorts nothing* and on%# fa%se godsare %aughed off their earth%# pedesta%s. !hat monstrous absurditiesand parado0es ha'e resisted &ho%e batteries of serious arguments* andthen crumb%ed s&ift%# into dust before the ringing deathHkne%% of a%augh6 !hat hea%th# e0u%tation* &hat genia% mirth* &hat %o#a%brotherhood of mirth attends the friend%# sound6 ,et in %abe%ing our

%ife and %iterature* as the anes %abe%ed their 1o#a% Theatre in$openhagen* @ot for amusement mere%#* &e ha'e pushed one stepfurther* and the %egend too often stands* @ot for amusement at a%%.Life is no %aughing matter* &e are to%d* &hich is trueK and* &hat issti%% more disma% to contemp%ate* books are no %aughing matters*either. On%# no& and then some ga#* defiant rebe%* %ike Mr.2aintsbur#* f%aunts the o%d f%ag* hums a bar of B%ue Bonnets o'erthe Border* and ruff%es the uiet &aters of our sou%s b# hintingthat this age of po%%inaris and of %ectures is at fau%t* and that ithas produced nothing &hich can 'ie as %iterature &ith the products ofthe ages of &ine and song.

Marietta "o%%e#

@ C@M11+E EMLE

+ suppose &e are about as happ# as the most of fo%ks* but as + &assa#inJ a fe& da#s ago to Betse# Bobbet* a neighborinJ fema%e ofoursHHE'er# stationHhouse in %ife has its 'arious ske%etons. But &eort to tr# to be contented &ith that spear of %ife &e are ca%%ed on

to hand%e. Betse# hainJt married* and she donJt seem to becontented. 2he is a&fu% opposed to &imminJs rightsHHshe thinks it is&imminJs on%# spear to marr#* but as #et she canJt find an# man&i%%inJ to %a# ho%t of that spear &ith her. But #ou can read in herdai%# %ife* and on her eager* &i%%inJ countenance* that she fu%%#rea%ies the s&eet &ords of the poet* !hi%e there is %ife there ishope.

Betse# hainJt handsome. "er cheekHbones are high* and she beinJ notmuch more than skin and bone the# sho& p%ainer than the# &ou%d if she&as in good order. "er comp%e0ion (not that + b%ame her for it)hainJt good* and her e#es are %itt%e and sot &a# back in her head.

Time has seen fit to depri'e her of her hair and teeth* but her %argenose he has kind%# suffered her to keep* but she has got the best&hite i'or# teeth mone# &i%% bu#* and t&o %ong cur%s fastened behindeach ear* besides fri%es on the top of her headK and if she &asnJtnatura%%# ba%d* and if the cur%s &as the co%or of her hair* the#&ou%d %ook &e%%. 2he is a&fu% sentimenta%K + ha'e seen a good man#that had it bad* but of a%% the sentimenta% creeters + e'er did see*Betse# Bobbet is the sentimenta%estK #ou cou%dnJt sueee a %augh outof her &ith a cheeeHpress.

s + said* she is a&fu% opposed to &imminJs ha'inJ an# right* on%#the right to get married. 2he ho%ds on to that right as tight as an#

sing%e &oman + e'er see* &hich makes it hard and &ear#inJ on thesing%e men round here.

or take the men that are the most opposed to &imminJs ha'inJ a


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right* and ta%k the most about its beinJ her dut# to c%ing to man%ike a 'ine to a tree* the# donJt &ant Betse# to c%ing to themK the#&onJt %et her c%ing to Jem. or &hen the# &ou%d be aHgoinJ on aboutho& &icked it &as for &immin to 'oteHHand it &as her on%# spear tomarr#* sa#s + to Jem* !hich had #ou ruther do* %et Betse# Bobbetc%ing to #ou or %et her 'ote and the# &ou%d e'er# one of Jem uai%before that uestion. The# &ou%d drop their heads before m# keen gra#

e#esHHand mo'e off the subject.

But Betse# donJt get discouraged. E'er# time + see her she sa#s in ahopefu%* &ishfu% tone* That the deepest men of minds in the countr#agree &ith her in thinkinJ that it is &imminJs dut# to marr# and notto 'ote. nd then she ta%ks a sight about the retirinJ modest# anddignit# of the fair sect* and ho& shamefu% and re'o%tinJ it &ou%d beto see &immin thro&inJ Jem a&a# and bo%d%# and unb%ushinJ%# ta%kinJabout %a& and justice.

!h#* to hear Betse# Bobbet ta%k about &imminJs thro&inJ their modest#a&a#* #ou &ou%d think if the# e'er &ent to the po%itica% po%e the#

&ou%d ha'e to take their dignit# and modest# and thro& Jem againstthe po%e and go &ithout an# a%% the rest of their %i'es.

@o& + donJt be%ie'e in no such stuff as that. + think a &oman can bebo%d and un&oman%# in other things besides goinJ &ith a thick 'ei%o'er her face* and a brassHmounted paraso%* once a #ear* and gent%#and uiet%# dropping a 'ote for a $hristian President* or a re%igiousand nob%eHminded pathmaster.

2he thinks she ta%ks dreadfu% po%ite and proper. 2he sa#s + &ascameing* instead of + &as comingK and + ha'e sa&* instead of +ha'e seenK and papah for paper* and deah for dear. + donJt kno&

much about grammer* but common sense goes a good &a#s. 2he &rites thepoetr# for the ones'i%%e ugur* or ugah* as she ca%%s it. 2heused to &rite for the opposition paper* the ones'i%%e Gim%et* butthe editor of the ugur* a %onghaired chap* &ho mo'ed intoones'i%%e a fe& months ago* %ost his &ife soon after he come there*and sense that she has turned imocrat* and &rites for his paperstid#. The# sa# that he is a dreadfu% big fee%inJ man* and + ha'eheardHHit came right straight to meHHhis cousinJs &ifeJs sister to%dit to the motherHinH%a& of one of m# neighborsJ brotherJs &ife* thathe didnJt %ike Betse#Js poetr# at a%%* and a%% he printed it for &asto p%ague the editor of the Gim%et* because she used to &rite forhim. + m#se%f &ou%dnJt gi'e a cent a bushe% for a%% the poetr# she can

&rite. nd it seems to me* that if + &as Betse#* + &ou%dnJt tr# to&rite so much. "o&sume'er* + donJt kno& &hat turn + shou%d take if +&as Betse# BobbetK that is a so%emn subject* and one + donJt %o'e tothink on.

+ ne'er sha%% forget the first piece of her poetr# + e'er see. osiah%%en and + had both on us been married goinJ on a #ear* and + hadoccasion to go to his trunk one da#* &here he kept a %ot of o%dpapers* and the first thing + %aid m# hand on &as these 'erses.osiah &ent &ith her a fe& times after his &ife died* on ourth ofu%# or so* and t&o or three campHmeetinJs and the poetr# seemed tobe &rote about the time &e &as married. +t &as directed o'er

the top of it* O&ed to osiah* just as if she &ere in debt to him.This &as the &a# it read7

O!E TO O2+"


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osiah* + the ta%e ha'e hurn* !ith rigid ear* and streaming e#e* + sa& from me that #ou did turn* + ne'er kne& the reason &h#. Oh* osiah* +t seemed as if + must e0piah.

!h# did #ouHHoh* &h# did #ou b%o& Cpon m# %ife of sno s%eet* The fiah of %o'e to fiercest g%o&* Then turn a damphar on the heat Oh* osiah* +t seemed as if + must e0piah.

+ sa& thee coming do&n the street* 2he b# #our side in bonnet b%oo* The stuns that grated Jneath th# feet* 2eemed crunching on m# 'ita%s* too.

Oh* osiah* +t seemed as if + must e0piah.

+ sa& thee &ashing sheep %ast night* On the bridge + stood &ith marb%e bro&. The &aters raged* thou c%asped it tight* + sighed* Jshou%d both be dro&nded no&JH + thought* osiah* Oh* happ# sheep to thus e0piah.

+ sho&ed the poetr# to osiah that night after he came home* and to%dhim + had read it. "e %ooked a&fu% ashamed to think + had seen it*

and* sa#s he* &ith a dreadfu% sheepish %ook7 The persecution +under&ent from that fema%e can ne'er be to%dK she fair%# hunted medo&n. + hadnJt no rest for the so%es of m# feet. + thought one spe%%she &ou%d marr# me in spite of a%% + cou%d do* &ithout gi'inJ me thebenefit of %a& or gospe%. "e see + %ooked stern* and he added* &itha sickH%ookinJ smi%e* + thought one spe%%* to use Betse#Js %anguage*J+ &as a gonah.J

+ didnJt smi%e. Oh* no* for the deep princip%e of m# sect &as rearedup. + sa#s to him in a tone co%d enough to a%most freee his ears7osiah %%en* shet upK of a%% the co&ard%# things a man e'er done*it is goin Jround bragginJ about &immin %ikinJ Jem* and fo%%ernJ Jem

up. Enn# man thatJ%% do that is %itt%e enough to cra&% through aknotHho%e &ithout rubbing his c%othes. 2a#s +7 + suppose #ou madeher think the moon rose in #our head and set in #our hee%s. + daresa##ou acted foo%ish enough round her to sicken a snipe* and if #oumakes fun of her no& to p%ease me* + %et #ou kno& #ou ha'e got ho%tof the &rong indi'idua%.

@o&* sa#s +* go to bedK and + added* in sti%% more freeingaccents* for + &ant to mend #our panta%oons. "e gathered up hisshoes and stockinJs and started off to bed* and &e hainJt ne'erpassed a &ord on the subject sence. + be%ie'e &hen #ou disagree &ith#our pardner* in freeinJ #our mind in the first onJt* and then

not to be aHt&ittinJ about it after&ard. nd as for beinJ jea%ous* +shou%d jest as soon think of beinJ jea%ous of a meetinJHhouse as +shou%d of osiah. "e is a &e%%Hprincip%ed man. nd + guess he &asnJtfur out oJ the &a# about Betse# Bobbet* though + &ou%dnJt encourage


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him b# %ettinJ him sa# a &ord on the subject* for + a%&a#s make it aru%e to stand up for m# o&n sectK but &hen + hear her go on about theeditor of the ugur* + can be%ie'e an#thing about Betse# Bobbet.

2he came in here one da# %ast &eek. +t &as about ten oJc%ock in themorning. + had got m# house s%ick as a pin* and m# dinner under &a#(+ &as goinJ to ha'e a bJi%ed dinner* and a cherr# puddinJ bJi%ed

&ith s&eet sass to eat on it)* and + sot do&n to finish se&inJ up thebreadth of m# ne& rag carpet. + thought + &ou%d get it done &hi%e +hadnJt so much to do* for it beinJ the first of March + kne& sugarinJ&ou%d be cominJ on* and then c%eaninJHhouse time* and + &anted it toput do&n jest as soon as the sto'e &as carried out in the summerkitchen. The fire &as spark%inJ a&a#* and the painted f%oor aHshininJand the dinner aHbJi%inJ* and + sot there se&inJ jest as ca%m as ac%ock* not dreaminJ of no troub%e* &hen in came Betse# Bobbet.

+ met her &ith out&ard ca%m* and asked her to set do&n and %a# offher things. 2he sot do&n but she said she cou%dnJt %a# off herthings. 2a#s she7 + &as cominJ do&n past* and + thought + &ou%d ca%%

and %et #ou see the %ast numbah of the ugah. There is a piecein it concerninJ the tariff that stirs menJs sou%s. + %ike it e'ah somuch.

2he handed me the paper fo%ded* so + cou%dnJt see nothinJ but a pieceof poetr# b# Betse# Bobbet. + see &hat she &anted of me* and so +dropped m# breadths of carpetinJ and took ho%d of it* and began toread it.

1ead it audib%e* if #ou p%ease* sa#s she. Especia%%# the preciousremahks o'ah itK it is such a feast for me to be aHsittinJ and heahit rehearsed b# a musica% 'orce.

2a#s +* + sJpose + can rehearse it if it &i%% do #ou an# good* so +began as fo%%o&s7

+t is se%dom that &e present the readers of the ugur (the bestpaper for the fireside in ones'i%%e or the &or%d) &ith a poem %ikethe fo%%o&ing. +t ma# be* b# the assistance of the ugur (on%#t&e%'e shi%%ings a #ear in ad'ance* &ood and potatoes taken ine0change)* the name of Betse# Bobbet &i%% #et be car'ed on the %oft#pinnac%e of fameJs to&ering pi%%o&. !e think* ho&e'er* that she cou%dstud# such &riters as 2#%'anus $obb and Tupper &ith profit both toherse%f and to them.

Editor of the ugur.

"ere Betse# interrupted me. The deah editah of the ugah has noneed to ad'ise me to read Tuppah* for he is indeed m# most fa'oriteauthar. ,ou ha'e de'orhed him* ha'enJt #ou* osiahJs %%en &ife

e'oured &ho sa#s +* in a tone prett# near as co%d as a co%dicic%e.

Mahten* ahueah* Tuppah* that s&eet authar* sa#s she.

@o* mom* sa#s + short%#K + hainJt de'oured Martin aruhar Tupper*nor no other man. + hainJt a canniba%.

Oh6 #ou understand me notK + meant* de'orhed his s&eet* tender


16/89

%ines.

+ hainJt de'oured his tender%ines* nor nothinJ re%atinJ to him* and+ made a motion to %a# the paper do&n* but Betse# urged me to go on*and so + read7

GC2"+@G2 O TE@" 2OCL

Oh %et &ho &i%%* Oh %et &ho can* Be tied onto horrid ma%e man.

Thus said + Jere M# tendah heart &as touched* Thus said + Jere M# tendah fee%ings gushed.

But oh a change

"ath s&ept ore me* s bi%%o&s s&eep The Jdeep b%ue sea.J

'oice* a nob%e form One da# + sa&K n arro& f%e&* M# heart is near%# ra&.

"is first pardner %ies Beneath the turf* "e is &andering no&*

+n sorro&Js brin# surf.

T&o t&ins* the %itt%e eah cherub creechahs @o& &ipe the teahs rom off his c%assic feachahs.

Oh s&eet %ot* &orth# nge% arisen* To &ipe teahs rom e#es %ike hisen.

!hat think #ou of it sa#s she* as + finished readinJ.

+ %ooked right at her Jmost a minute &ith a majestic %ook. +n spiteof her fa%se cur%s and her ne& &hite i'or# teeth* she is a humb%#critter. + %ooked at her si%ent%# &hi%e she sot and t&isted her %ong#e%%o& bunnetHstrings* and then + spoke out. "ainJt the editor ofthe ugur a &ido&er &ith a pair of t&ins

,es* sa#s she &ith a happ# %ook.

Then sa#s +* +f the man hainJt a foo%* heJ%% think #ou are one.

Oh6 sa#s she* and she dropped her bunnetHstrings and c%asped her%ong bon# hands together in her bro&n cotton g%o'es. Oh* &e ahdentso%es of genious ha'e fee%inJs #ou co%d* practica% natures kno&nuthing of* and if the# did not gush out in poetr# &e shou%d e0piah.


17/89

,ou ma# as &e%% tr# to tie up the gushing catarack of @iagarah &ith apiece of &e%tingHcord as to tie up the fee%inJs of an ahdent so%e.

rdent so%e6 sa#s + co%d%#. !hich makes the most noise* Betse#Bobbet* a threeHinch brook or a tenHfooter &hich is the tearer&hich is the roarer eep &aters run sti%%est. + ha'e no faith infee%inJs that sta%k round in pub%ic in mourninJ &eeds. + ha'e no

faith in such mourners* sa#s +.

Oh* osiahJs &ife* co%d* practica% fema%e being* #ou kno& me notK &eare sundered as fah apart as if #ou &as sitting on the @orth Po%e and+ &as sitting on the 2outh Po%e. Cncongenia% being* #ou kno& me not.

+ ma# not kno& #ou* Betse# Bobbet* but + do kno& decenc#* and + kno&that no munn# &ou%d tempt me to &rite such stuff as that poetr# andsend it to a &ido&er &ith t&ins.

Oh6 sa#s she* &hat appea%s to the tendah fee%inJ heart of a sing%efema%e &oman more than to see a %one%# man &ho has %ost his re%ict

nd pit# ne'er seems so much %ike pit# as &hen it is gi'en to thedeah %itt%e chi%dren of &ido&ehs. nd* sa#s she* + think moah thanas %ike%# as not* this soaring so%e of genious did not &ed hisaffinit#* but &as united to a mere &oman of c%a#.

Mere &oman of c%a#6 sa#s +* fi0inJ m# spektac%es upon her in a mostsearchinJ manner. !here &i%% #ou find a &oman* Betse# Bobbet* thathainJt more or %ess c%a# nd affinit#* that is the meanest &ord +e'er heardK no married &oman has an# right to hear it. +J%% e0cuse#ou* beinJ a fema%eK but if a man had said it to me +Jd ho%%er toosiah. There is a time for e'er#thing* and the time to hunt affinit#is before #ou are marriedK married fo%ks hainJt no right to hunt it*

sa#s + stern%#.

!e kindred so%es soah abo'e such pett# fee%inJsHH&e soah far abo'ethem.

+ hainJt much of a soarer* sa#s +* and + donJt pretend to beK andto te%% #ou the truth* sa#s +* + am g%ad + ainJt.

The editah of the ugah sa#s she* and she grasped the paperoffen the stand* and fo%ded it up* and presented it at me %ike aspear* the editah of this paper is a kindred so%e7 he appreciatesme* he undahstands me* and &i%% not our names in the pages of this

'er# papah go do&n to posteret# togathah

Then* sa#s +* dro'e out of a%% patience &ith her* + &ish #ou &asthere no&* both of #ou. + &ish* sa#s +* %ookinJ fi0ed%# on her* +&ish #ou &as both of #ou in posterit# no&.

ithugh Lud%o&

2ELE$T+O@2 1OM B1$E O BO,2

+ am a bache%or unc%e. That* as a mere fact* might happen to an#bod#Kbut + am a bache%or unc%e b# interna% fitness. + am one essentia%%#*


18/89

just as + am an indi'idua% of the $aucasian di'ision of the humanraceK and if* through unto&ard circumstancesHH&hich hea'en forbidHH+shou%d %ose m# present position* + shou%dnJt be surprised if #ou sa&me out in the "era%d under 2ituations !antedHHMa%es. Thanksto a marr#ing tendenc# in the rest of m# fami%#* + ha'e no& %itt%eneed to ad'ertise* a%% the business being thro&n into m# &a# &hich asing%e member of m# profession can attend to.

+ meander* %ike a desu%tor#* p%acid ri'er of an o%d bache%or as + am*through the f%o&er# mead of se'era% nurseries* but + am detained%ongest among the chi%dren of m# sister Lu.

Lu married Mr. Lo'egro'e. "e is a merchant* retired &ith a fortuneamassed b# the o%dHfashioned* s%o& processes of trade* and regardsthe mercanti%e %ife of the present da# on%# as so much greed andgamb%ing $hristian%# baptied.... Lu is m# fa'orite sisterK Lo'egro'ean unusua%%# good artic%e of brotherHinH%a&K and + cannot sa# thatan# of m# nieces and nephe&s interest me more than their t&ochi%dren* anie% and Bi%%#* &ho are more un%ike than &ords can paint

them. The# are far apart in point of #earsK anie% is t&ent#Ht&o*Bi%% e%e'en. + &as reminded of this fact the other da# b# Bi%%#* ashe stood bet&een m# %egs* sco&%ing at his book of sums.

J bo# has eight#Hfi'e turnips and gi'es his sister thirt#JHHprett#present for a gir%* isnJt it said Bi%%#* &ith an air of supremecontempt* $ou%d #ou stand such stuffHHsa#

+ put on m# instructi'e face and ans&ered7

!e%%* m# dear Bi%%#* #ou kno& that arithmetic is necessar# to #ou if#ou mean to be an industrious man and succeed in business. 2uppose

#our parents &ere to %ose a%% their propert#* &hat &ou%d become ofthem &ithout a %itt%e son &ho cou%d make mone# and keep accounts

Oh* said Bi%%#* &ith surprise* hasnJt father got enough stamps tosee him through

"e has no&* + hopeK but peop%e donJt a%&a#s keep them. 2uppose the#shou%d go b# some accident* &hen #our father &as too o%d to make an#more stamps for himse%f

,ou ha'enJt thought of Brother anie%HH

TrueK for nobod# e'er had in connection &ith the acti'e emp%o#mentsof %ife.

@o* Bi%%#* + rep%ied* + forgot himK but then* #ou kno&* anie% ismore of a student than a business man* andHH

Oh* Cnc%e Tedd#6 #ou donJt think + mean heJd support them + meant+Jd ha'e to take care of father and mother and him* too* &hen the#Jda%% got to be o%d peop%e together. ust think6 +Jm e%e'en* and heJst&ent#Ht&oK so he is just t&ice as o%d as + am. "o& o%d are #ou

ort#* Bi%%#* %ast ugust.

!e%%* #ou arenJt so a&fu% o%d* and &hen + get to be as o%d as #ou*anie% &i%% be eight#. 2eth Denda%%Js grandfather isnJt more thanthat* and he has to be fed &ith a spoon* and a nurse puts him to bed*


19/89

and &hee%s him round in a chair %ike a bab#. That takes the stamps* +bet6 !e%%* + te%% #ou ho& +J%% keep m# accounts7 +J%% ha'e a stick%ike 1obinson $rusoe* and e'er# time + make a toadskin +J%% gouge apiece out of one side of the stick* and e'er# time + spend one +J%%gouge a piece out of the other.

2pend a &hat said the gent%e and astonished 'oice of m# sister

Lu* &ho* unpercei'ed* had s%ipped into the room.

toadskin* ma* rep%ied Bi%%#* shutting up Oo%burn &ith a fare&e%%g%ance of contempt.

ear* dear6 !here does the bo# %earn such horrid &ords

!h#* ma* donJt #ou kno& &hat a toadskin is "ereJs one* said Bi%%#*dra&ing a ding# fi'eHcent stamp from his pocket. nd donJt + &ish +had %ots of Jem6

Oh6 sighed his mother* to think + shou%d ha'e a chi%d so addicted

to s%ang6 "o& + &ish he &ere %ike anie%6

!e%%* mother* rep%ied Bi%%#* if #ou &anted t&o bo#s just a%ike#ouJd oughter had t&ins. There ainJt an# use of m# tr#ing to be %ikeanie% no&* &hen heJs got e%e'en #ears the start. !hoop6 ThereJs adog fightK hear Jem6 +tJs oe $ase#Js dogHH+ kno& his bark6

!ith these &ords m# nephe& snatched his G%engarr# bonnet from thetab%e and bo%ted do&nstairs to see the fun.

!hat &i%% become of him said Lu hope%ess%#K he has no taste foran#thing but rough p%a#K and then such %anguage as he uses6 !h#

isnJt he %ike anie% + suppose because his maker ne'er repeatshimse%f. E'en t&ins often possess strong%# marked indi'idua%ities.onJt #ou think it &ou%d be a good p%an to %earn Bi%%# better before#ou tr# to teach him +f #ou do* #ouJ%% make something as good of himas anie%K though it &i%% be rather different from that mode%.

1emember* @ed* that #ou ne'er did %ike anie% as &e%% as #ou doBi%%#. But &e a%% kno& the pro'erb about o%d maidJs daughters and o%dbache%orJs sons. + &ish #ou had Bi%%# for a monthHHthen #ouJd see.

+Jm not sure that +Jd do an# better than #ou. + might err as much inother directions. But +Jd tr# to start right b# ackno&%edging that he

&as a ne& prob%em* not to be &orked &ithout finding out the 'a%ue ofN in his particu%ar instance. The formu%a &hich so%'es one bo# &i%%no more so%'e the ne0t one than the ru%e of three &i%% so%'e auestion in ca%cu%usHHor* to rise into #our sphere* than the receiptfor oneHt&oHthreeHfourcake &i%% conduct #ou to a successfu% issuethrough p%um pudding.

+ e0ce% in metaph#sica% discussion* and &as about gi'ing furthere%aboration to m# fa'orite idea* &hen the door burst open. MasterBi%%# came tumb%ing in &ith a torn jacket* a b%ood# nose* the tracesof a fe& tears in his e#es* and the mangiest of cur dogs in hishands.

Oh m#6 m#66 m#666 e0c%aimed his mother.

onJt #ou get scared* ma6 cried Bi%%#* smi%ing a stern smi%e of


20/89

triumphK + smashed the nose off him6 "e &onJt sass me again fornothing this &hi%e. Cnc%e Tedd#* dJ#e kno& it &asnJt a dogfight after a%% There &as that nast#* goodHforHnothing oe $ase#* JnPats# Grogan* and a %ot of bad bo#s from Mackere%'i%%eK and the#Jdcaught this poor %itt%e kiHood%e and tied a tin pot to his tai%* and&ere tr#ing to set oeJs dog on him* though heJs ten times %itt%er.

,ou naught#* naught# bo#6 "o& did #ou suppose #our motherJd fee% tosee #ou p%a#ing &ith those ragamuffins

,es* + p%a#ed Jem6 + po%ished JemHHthatJs the p%a# + did6 2a#s +*JPut do&n that poor %itt%e pupK ainJt #ou ashamed of #ourse%f* Pats#Grogan J+ guess #ou donJt kno& &ho + am*J sa#s he. ThatJs the &a#the# a%&a#s sa#* Cnc%e Tedd#* to make a fe%%o& think the#Jre somea&fu% great fighters. 2o sa#s + again* J!e%%* #ou put do&n that dog*or +J%% sho& #ou &ho + amJK and &hen he he%d on* + %et him ha'e it.Then he dropped the pup* and as + stooped to pick it up he ga'e me oneon the bug%e.

Bug%e6 Oh6 Ooh6 Ooh6

The rest pitched in to he%p himK but + grabbed the pup* and &hi%e +&as tr#ing to gi'e as good as + gotHHon%# a fe%%o& canJt do it &e%%&ith on%# one hand* Cnc%e Tedd#HHup came a po%iceman* and the &ho%ecro&d ran a&a#. 2o + got the dog safe* and here he is6

!ith that Bi%%# set do&n his kiHood%e* bid fare&e%% to e'er# fear*and &iped his b%eeding nose. The unhapp# beast s%unk back bet&een the%egs of his preser'er and fo%%o&ed him out of the room* as Lu* &ithan e0pression of materna% despair* bore him a&a# for the correctionof his di%apidated raiment and depra'ed associations. + fe%t such

sincere pride in this #oung Maini of the dog nation that + &as'e0ed at Lu for besto&ing on him reproof instead of congratu%ationKbut she &as not the on%# conser'ati'e &ho fai%s to see a good causeand a heroic heart under a b%ood# nose and torn jacket. + reso%'edthat if Bi%%# &as punished he shou%d ha'e his recompense before %ongin an e0tra ho%ida# at BarnumJs or the "ippotheatron.

,ou a%read# ha'e some idea of m# other nephe&* if #ou ha'e noticedthat none of us* not e'en that habitua% disrespecter of dignities*Bi%%#* e'er ca%%ed him an. +t &ou%d ha'e seemed as incongruous as toca%% Bi%%# !i%%iam. "e &as one of those #ouths &ho ne'er ga'e theirparents a momentJs uneasinessK &ho ne'er had to ha'e their &i%%s

broken* and ne'er forgot to put on their rubbers or take an umbre%%a.+n bo#hood he &as intended for a missionar#. "ad it been possib%e forhim to go to Green%andJs ic# mountains &ithout catching co%d* or+ndiaJs cora% strand &ithout getting bi%ious* his parents &ou%d ha'ecarried out their p%easing dream of contributing him to the &or%dJse'ange%iation. Lu and Mr. Lo'egro'e had no doubt that he &ou%d ha'ebeen great%# b%essed if he cou%d ha'e stood it....

Both she and his father a%&a#s encouraged o%d manners in him. + thinkthe# took such pride in raising a pecu%iar%# pa%e bo# as a gardenerdoes in getting a nice b%anch on his ce%er#* and so %ong as he &asnot abso%ute%# sick* the gra'er he &as the better. "e &as a sensiti'e

p%ant* a 'io%et b# a moss# stone* and a%% that sort of thing....

t the time + introduce Bi%%#* both Lu and her husband &ere muchchanged. The# had gained a great dea% in &idth of 'ie& and %ibera%it#


21/89

of judgment. The# read ickens and Thackera# &ith a'idit#K &ent no&and then to the operaK proposed to %et Bi%%# take a uarter atod&orthJsK had statues in their par%or &ithout an# thought of shameat their %ack of petticoats* and did mu%titudes of things &hich* intheir ear%# married %ife* the# &ou%d ha'e considered shocking. . . .The# &ou%d great%# ha'e %iked to see anie% shine in societ#. Of hiserudition the# &ere proud e'en to &orship. The #oung man ne'er had

an# business* and his father ne'er seemed to think of gi'ing him an#*kno&ing* as Bi%%# &ou%d sa#* that he had stamps enough to see himthrough. +f anie% %iked* his father &ou%d ha'e endo&ed aprofessorship in some co%%ege and gi'en him the chairK but that &ou%dha'e taken him a&a# from his o&n room and the fami%# ph#sician.

anie% kne& ho& much his parents &ished him to make a figure in the&or%d* and on%# b%amed himse%f for his fai%ure* magnanimous%#forgetting that the# had crushed out the facu%ties &hich enab%e a manto mint the sma%% change of e'er#Hda# societ# in the e0c%usi'ecu%ti'ation of such as fit him for sme%ting its ponderous ingots.!ith that mercifu% b%indness &hich a%one pre'ents a%% our %i'es from

becoming a horror of ner'e%ess se%fHreproach* his parents &ereeua%%# una&are of their share in the harm done him &hen the#ascribed to a de%icate organiation the fact that* at an age &hen%o'e runs riot in a%% hea%th# b%ood* he cou%d not see a Ba%mora%&ithout his cheeks ri'a%ing the most 'i'id stripe in it. The#f%attered themse%'es that he &ou%d outgro& his bashfu%nessK butanie% had no such hope* and freuent%# confided in me that hethought he shou%d ne'er marr# at a%%.

bout t&o hours after Bi%%#Js disappearance under his motherJscon'o#* the defender of the oppressed returned to m# room bearing thedog under his arm. "is cheeks shone &ith &ashing %ike a pair of &a0#

2pitenbergs* and other indignities had been offered him to thee0tent of the brush and comb. "e a%so had a &ho%e jacket on....

Bi%%# and + a%so obtained permission to go out together and be gonethe entire afternoon. !e put $rab on a comfortab%e bed of rags in ano%d shoebo0* and then stro%%ed handHinHhand across that mostde%ightfu% of @e& ,ork breathing p%acesHH2tu#'esant 2uare.

Cnc%e Tedd#* e0c%aimed Bi%%# &ith ardor* + &ish + cou%d dosomething to sho& #ou ho& much + think of #ou for being so good tome. + donJt kno& ho&. !ou%d it make #ou happ# if + &as to %earn ah#mn for #ouHHa smashing big h#mnHHsi0 'erses* %ong metre* and no

grumb%ing

@o* Bi%%#* #ou make me happ# enough just b# being a good bo#.

Oh* Cnc%e Tedd#6 rep%ied Bi%%# decided%#. +Jm afraid + canJt doit. +J'e tried so often* and a%&a#s make such a mess of it. ...

!e no& got into a Broad&a# stage going do&n* and being unab%e* onaccount of the noise* to con'erse further upon those spiritua%conf%icts of Bi%%#Js &hich so much interested me* amused ourse%'es&ith %ooking out unti% just as &e reached the stor "ouse* &hen heasked me &here &e &ere going.

!here do #ou guess said +.

"e cast a g%ance through the front &indo& and his face became


22/89

irradiated. Oh* thereJs nothing %ike the simp%e* cheap %u0ur# ofp%easing a chi%d to create sunshine enough for the chasing a&a# ofthe b%ues of adu%t de'i%s6

!eJre going to BarnumJs6 said Bi%%#* in'o%untari%# c%apping hishands.

2o &e &ereK and* much as stuckHup peop%e pretend to %ook do&n on thep%ace* + freuent%# am. @ot on%# so* but + a%&a#s see that c%ass%arge%# represented there &hen + do go. To be sure* the# a%&a#s makebe%ie'e that the# on%# come to amuse the chi%dren* or because the#J'ecountr# cousins 'isiting them* but ne'er fai% to refer to the 'u%garset one finds there* and the fact of the anima%s sme%%ing %ikean#thing but ocke# $%ubK #et + notice that after the#J'e been in theha%% three minutes the#Jre as much interested as an# of the peop%ethe# come to poohHpooh* and on%# put on the highHbred air &hen the#fanc# some of their o&n c%ass are %ooking at them. + bo%d%#ackno&%edge that + go because + %ike it. + am especia%%# happ#* to besure* if + ha'e a chi%d a%ong to go into ecstasies* and gi'e me a

chance* b# asking uestions* for the e0hibition of that fund ofinformation &hich is said to be one of m# chief charms in the socia%circ%e* and on se'era% occasions has %ed that portion of the pub%icimmediate%# about the "app# ami%# into the erroneous impression that+ &as Mr. Barnum g%ib%# e0p%aining his fi'e hundred thousandcuriosities.

On the present occasion &e found se'era% 'isitors of the better c%assin the room de'oted to the auarium. mong these &as a #oung %ad#*apparent%# about nineteen* in a tightHfitting basue of b%ack 'e%'et*&hich sho&ed her e%egant figure to fine ad'antage* a skirt of garnetsi%k* %ooped up o'er a prett# Ba%mora%* and the daintiest imaginab%e

pair of kid &a%kingHboots. "er height &as a trif%e o'er the mediumKher e#es* a soft* e0pressi'e bro&n* shaded b# masses of hair &hiche0act%# matched their co%or* and* at that ratHandHmice%ess da#* fe%%in such gracefu% abandon as to sho& at once that nature &as the on%#maid &ho crimped their &a'es into them. "er comp%e0ion &as ros# &ithhea%th and s#mpathetic enjo#mentK her mouth &as fau%t%ess* her nosesensiti'e* her manners fu%% of refinement* and her 'oice as musica%as a &oodHrobinJs &hen she spoke to the %itt%e bo# of si0 at herside* to &hom she &as re'ea%ing the pa%ace of the great sho&Hking.Bi%%# and + &ere f%attening our noses against the abode of theba%%oon fish and determining &hether he %ooked most %ike a horseHchestnut burr or a ripe cucumber* &hen his e#es and m# o&n

simu%taneous%# fe%% on the chi%d and %ad#. +n a moment* to Bi%%# theba%%oon fish &as as though he had not been.

ThatJs a prett# %itt%e bo#* said +. nd then + asked Bi%%# one ofthose sense%ess routine uestions &hich must make chi%dren %ook atus* regarding the scope of our inte%%ects 'er# much as &e %ook atBushmen.

"o& &ou%d #ou %ike to p%a# &ith him

"im6 rep%ied Bi%%# scornfu%%#* thatJs his first pair of bootsK seehim pu%% up his %itt%e breeches to sho& the red tops to Jem6 But*

cracke#6 isnJt she a smasher

fter that &e 'isited the &a0 figures and the s%eep# snakes* the%earned sea%* and the g%assHb%o&ers. !hene'er &e passed from one room


23/89

into another Bi%%# cou%d be caught %ooking an0ious%# to see if theprett# gir% and chi%d &ere coming too.

Time fai%s me to describe ho& Bi%%# &as %ost in astonishment at theLightning $a%cu%atorHH&anted me to beg the secret of that prodig# forhim to do his sums b#HHfina%%# thought he had disco'ered it* andreso%'ed to keep his arm &hir%ing a%% the time he studied his

arithmetic %esson the ne0t morning. Eua%%# inadeuate is it tore%ate in fu%% ho& he became so confused among the &a0H&orks that hepinched the so%emnest sho&manJs %egs to see if he &as rea%* andperp%e0ed the beautifu% $ircassian to the 'erge of idioc# b# te%%ingher he had read in his geograph# a%% about the &a# the# so%d gir%s%ike her.

!e had reached the stairs to that subterranean chamber in &hich theBehemoth of "o%# !rit &as &a%%o&ing about &ithout a thought of thedignit# &hich one e0pects from a canonica% character. Bi%%# hada%&a#s %anguished upon his memories of this di'erting beast* and +stood read# to see him p%unge head%ong the moment that he read the

signboard at the head of the stairs. !hen he paused and hesitatedthere* not seeming at a%% an0ious to go do&n ti%% he sa& the prett#gir% and the chi%d fo%%o&ing afterHHa sudden intuition f%ashed acrossme. $ou%d it be possib%e that Bi%%# &as caught in that 'orte0 &hich&hir%ed me do&n at ten #earsHHa %itt%e bo#Js first %o'e

!e &ere %ingering about the e%%iptica% basin* and catching occasiona%g%impses bet&een bubb%es of a 'i'ified hair trunk of monstrouscompass* &hose knobb# %id opened at one end and sho&ed a red morocco%ining* &hen the prett# gir%* in %eaning o'er to point out the risingmonster* dropped into the &ater one of her %itt%e g%o'es* and thes&ash made b# the hippopotamus drifted it c%ose under Bi%%#Js hand.

Either in p%a# or as a mere coincidence the anima% fo%%o&ed it. Theother chi%dren about the tank screamed and started back as he bumpedhis nose against the sideK but Bi%%# manfu%%# bent do&n and grabbedthe g%o'e not an inch from one of his big tusks* then marched aroundthe tank and presented it to the %ad# &ith a chi'a%r# of manner inone of his #ears uite surprising.

ThatJs a rea% nice bo#HH#ou said so* didnJt #ou* LottieHHand + &ishheJd come and p%a# &ith me* said the %itt%e fe%%o& b# the #oung%ad#Js side* as Bi%%# turned a&a#* gracefu%%# thanked* to come backto me &ith his cheeks roseate &ith b%ushes.

s he heard this Bi%%# id%ed a%ong the edge of the tank for a moment*then faced about and said7

PJraps + &i%% some da#. !here do #ou %i'e

+ %i'e on East 2e'enteenth 2treet &ith papaHHand Lottie sta#s there*too* no&HHsheJs m# cousin. !here dJ#ou %i'e

Oh6 + %i'e c%ose b#HHright on that big green suare* &here + guessthe nurse takes #ou once in a&hi%e* said Bi%%# patroniing%#. Then*%ooking up p%ucki%# at the #oung %ad#* he added* + ne'er sa& #ou outthere.

@oK imm#Js papa has on%# been in his ne& house a %itt%e &hi%e* and+J'e just come to 'isit him.


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2a#* &i%% #ou come and p%a# &ith me some time chimed in theine0tinguishab%e imm#. +J'e got a cookingHsto'eHHfor rea% fireHHandb%ocks* and a ba%% &ith a string.

Bi%%#* &ho be%onged to a c%ub for the practise of the great mericangame* and &as &hat . !ard &ou%d ca%% the most superior battist amongthe +. G. B. B. 9.* or +nfant Giants* smi%ed from an a%titude upon

imm#* but promised to go and p%a# &ith him the ne0t 2aturda#afternoon.

Late that e'ening* after &e had got home and dined* as + sat in m#room o'er Pick&ick &ith a sedati'e cigar* a gent%e knock at thedoor to%d of anie%. + ca%%ed $ome in6 and* entering &ith a s%o&*dejected air* he sat do&n b# m# fire. or ten minutes he remainedsi%ent* though occasiona%%# %ooking up as if about to speak* thendropping his head again* to ponder on the coa%s. ina%%# + %aid do&nickens and spoke m#se%f7

,ou donJt seem &e%% toHnight* anie%

+ donJt fee% 'er# &e%%* unc%e.

!hatJs the matter* m# bo#

OhHah* + donJt kno&. That is* + &ish + kne& ho& to te%% #ou.

+ studied him for a fe& minutes &ith kind%# curiosit#* then ans&ered7

Perhaps + can sa'e #ou the troub%e b# crossHe0amining it out of #ou.LetJs tr# the method of e%imination. + kno& that #ouJre not harassedb# an# economica% considerations* for #ouJ'e a%% the mone# #ou &antK

and + kno& that ambition doesnJt troub%e #ou* for #our tastes arescho%ar%#. This narro&s do&n the in'estigation of #our s#mptomsHH%ist%essness* genera% dejection* and a%%HHto three causesHHd#spepsia*re%igious conf%icts* %o'e. @o&* is #our digestion a&r#

@o* sirK good as usua%. +Jm not me%ancho%# on re%igion* andHH

,ou donJt te%% me #ouJre in %o'e

!e%%*HH#esHH+ suppose thatJs about it* Cnc%e Tedd#.

+ took a %ong breath to reco'er from m# astonishment at this

unimaginab%e re'e%ation* then said7 +s #our fee%ing returned

+ rea%%# donJt kno&* unc%eK + donJt be%ie'e it is. + donJt see ho&it can be. + ne'er did an#thing to make her %o'e me. !hat is there inme to %o'e +J'e borne nothing for herHHthat is* nothing that cou%ddo her an# goodHHthough +J'e endured on her account* + ma# sa#*anguish. 2o* %ook at it an# &a# #ou p%ease* + neither am* do norsuffer an#thing that can get a &omanJs %o'e.

Oh* #ou man of %earning6 E'en in %o'e #ou tote #our grammar a%ong&ith #ou* and arrange a di'ine passion under the acti'e* passi'e andneuter6

anie% smi%ed faint%#.

,ouJ'e no idea* Cnc%e Tedd#* that #ou are t&itting on factsK but #ou


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hit the truth thereK indeed* #ou do. +f she &ere a Greek or Latin&oman + cou%d ta%k nacreon or "orace to her. +f &omen on%#understood the phi%osoph# of the f%o&ers as &e%% as the# do thepoetr#HH

Thank God the# donJt* anie%6 sighed + de'out%#.

@e'er mindHHin that case + cou%d entrance her for hours* ta%kingabout the grounds of differences bet&een Linnaeus and ussieu. !omen%ike the star business* the# sa#HHand + cou%d te%% her &here a%% theconste%%ations areK but sure as + tried to get off an# sentimentabout them* +Jd break do&n and make m#se%f ridicu%ous. But &hatearth%# chance &ou%d the greatest phi%osopher that e'er %i'ed ha'e&ith the &oman he %o'ed if he depended for her fa'or on his abi%it#to ana%#e her bouuet or te%% her &hen she might %ook out for thene0t occu%tation of Orion + canJt ta%k breadHandHbutter ta%k. +canJt do an#thing that makes a man e'en to%erab%e to a &oman6

+ hope #ou donJt mean that nothing but breadHandHbutter ta%k is

to%erab%e to a &oman6

@oK but itJs necessar# to some e0tentHHat an# rate* the abi%it# isHHin order to succeed in societ#K and itJs in societ# men first meetand strike &omen. nd* oh* Cnc%e Tedd#6 +Jm such a fish out of &aterin societ#6HHsuch a dreadfu% f%oundering fish6 !hen + see her dancinggracefu%%# as a s&an s&ims* and fee% that fe%%o&s %ike %itt%e ackMank#n* &ho JdonJt kno& t&e%'e times*J can dance to her perfectadmirationK &hen + see that she %ikes ease of mannersHHand a%% sortsof men &ithout an idea in their heads ha'e thatHH&hi%e + turn a%%co%ors &hen + speak to her* and am c%ums#* and abrupt* andabstracted* and bad at reparteeHHCnc%e Tedd#6 sometimes (though it

seems so ungratefu% to father and mother* &ho ha'e spent such painsfor me)HHsometimes* do #ou kno&* it seems to me as if +Jd e0changea%% +J'e e'er %earned for the po&er to make a good appearance beforeher6

anie%* m# bo#* itJs too much a matter of ref%ection &ith #ou6 &oman is not to be taken b# %a#ing p%ans. +f #ou %o'e the %ad# (&hosename + donJt ask #ou* because + kno& #ouJ%% te%% me as soon as #outhink best)* #ou must seek her companionship unti% #ouJre &e%% enoughacuainted &ith her to ha'e her regard #ou as something differentfrom the men &hom she meets mere%# in societ#* and judge #ourua%ities b# another standard than that she app%ies to them. +f sheJs

a sensib%e gir% (and God forbid #ou shou%d marr# her other&ise)* shekno&s that peop%e canJt a%&a#s be dancing* or ho%ding fans* orrunning after orangeHice. +f sheJs a gir% capab%e of appreciating#our best points (and &oe to #ou if #ou marr# a gir% &ho canJt6)*sheJ%% find them out upon c%oser intimac#* and* once found* the#J%% ahundred times out&eigh a%% bri%%iant ad'antages kept in the sho&Hcaseof fe%%o&s &ho ha'e nothing on the she%'es. !hen this comes about*#ou &i%% pop the uestion unconscious%#* and* to adapt Mi%ton* sheJ%%drop into #our %ap* JgatheredHHnot harsh%# p%ucked.J

+ kno& thatJs sensib%e* Cnc%e Tedd#* and +J%% tr#. Let me te%% #outhe sacredest of secretsHHregu%ar%# e'er# da# of m# %ife + send her a

%itt%e poem fastened round the prettiest bouuet + can get at"anftJs.

oes she kno& &ho sends them


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2he canJt ha'e an# idea. The German bo# that takes them kno&s not a&ord of Eng%ish e0cept her name and address. ,ouJ%% forgi'e me*unc%e* for not mentioning her name #et ,ou see* she ma# despise orhate me some da# &hen she kno&s &ho it is that has paid her theseattentionsK and then +Jd %ike to be ab%e to fee% that at %east +J'ene'er hurt her b# an# absurd connection &ith m#se%f.

orgi'e #ou @onsense6 The fee%ing does #our heart infinite credit*though a %itt%e counse% &ith #our head &i%% sho& #ou that #our on%#absurdit# is se%fHdepreciation.

anie% bid me goodHnight. s + put out m# cigar and &ent to bed m#mind re'erted to the daunt%ess %itt%e "otspur &ho had spent theafternoon &ith me and re'ersed his motherJs &ish* thinking7

Oh* if anie% &ere more %ike Bi%%#6

+t &as a%&a#s Bi%%#Js habit to come and sit &ith me &hi%e + smoked m#

afterHbreakfast cigar* but the ne0t morning did not see him enter m#room unti% 2t. GeorgeJs hands pointed to a uarter of nine.

!e%%* Bi%%# Bo# B%ue* come b%o& #our hornK &hat ha#stack ha'e #oubeen under ti%% this time of da# !e shanJt ha'e a minute to %ooko'er our spe%%ing together* and + kno& a bo# &hoJs going in forpromotion ne0t &eek. "a'e #ou had #our breakfast and taken care ofOrab

,es* sirK but + didnJt fee% %ike getting up this morning.

re #ou sick

@oHoHoHHit isnJt thatK but #ouJ%% %augh at me if + te%% #ou.

+ndeed + &onJt* Bi%%#6

!e%%HHhis 'oice dropped to a &hisper* and he sto%e c%ose to m#sideHH+ had such a nice dream about her just the %ast thingbefore the be%% rangK and &hen + &oke up + fe%t so ueerHHso kindergood and kinder badHHand + &anted to see her so much that* if +hadnJt been a big bo#* + be%ie'e + shou%d ha'e b%ubbered. + triede'er so much to go to s%eep and see her againK but the more + triedthe more + cou%dnJt. fter a%%* + had to get up &ithout it* though +

didnJt &ant an# breakfast* and on%# ate t&o buck&heat cakes* &hen +a%&a#s eat si0* #ou kno&* Cnc%e Tedd#. $an #ou keep a secret

,es* dear* so #ou cou%dnJt get it out of me if #ou &ere to shake meupsideHdo&n %ike a sa'ings bank.

Oh* ainJt #ou mean6 That &as &hen + &as sma%% + did that. +J%% te%%#ou the secret* thoughHHthat gir% and + are going to get married. +mean to ask her the first chance + get. Oh* isnJt she a smasher6

M# dear Bi%%#* &onJt #ou &ait a %itt%e &hi%e to see if #ou a%&a#s%ike her as &e%% as #ou do no& Then* too* #ouJ%% be o%der.

+Jm o%d enough* Cnc%e Tedd#* and + %o'e her dear%#6 +Jm as o%d asthe kings of rance used to be &hen the# got marriedHH+ read it inbbottJs histories. But thereJs the c%ock striking nine6 + must run


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or + sha%% get a tard# mark* and* perhaps* sheJ%% &ant to see m#certificate sometimes.

2o sa#ing* he kissed me on the cheek and set off for schoo% as fastas his %egs cou%d carr# him. Oh* Lo'e* omni'orous Lo'e* that sparestneither the dotard %eaning on his staff nor the bo# &ith panta%oonsbuttoning on his jacketHHomnipotent Lo'e* that* after parents and

teachers ha'e fai%ed* in one instant can make Bi%%# tr# to become agood bo#6

!ith both of m# nephe&s hope%ess%# enamored and m#se%f the confidantof both* + had m# hands fu%%. anie% &as genera%%# dejected anddistrustfu%K Bi%%# buo#ant and jo%%#. anie% found it impossib%e too'ercome his bashfu%nessK &as spontaneous on%# in sonnets* bri%%ianton%# in bouuets. Bi%%# &as a%&a#s coming to me &ith p%easant ne&s*to%d in his s%ang# @e& ,ork bo# 'ernacu%ar. One da# he &ou%d e0c%aim7Oh* +Jm getting on prime6 + got such a smi%e off her this morning as+ &ent b# the &indo&6 nother da# he &anted counse% ho& to get a'a%entine to herHHbecause it &as too big to sho'e in a %ampHpost* and

she might catch him if he %eft it on the steps* rang the be%% and rana&a#. anie% &rote his o&n 'a%entineK but* despite its origina%it#*that document ga'e him no such comfort as Bi%%# got from his t&ent#Hfi'e centsJ &orth of embossed paper* pink cupids and doggere%.ina%%# Bi%%# announced to me that he had been to p%a# &ith imm# andgot introduced to his gir%.

2hort%# after this Lu ga'e &hat the# ca%% a %itt%e compan#HHnot apart#* but a reunion of fort# or fift# peop%e &ith &hom the fami%#&ere &e%% acuainted* se'era% of them %i'ing in our immediateneighborhood. There &as a good%# proportion of #oung fo%k* and there&as to be dancingK but the music &as %imited to a sing%e piano p%a#ed

b# the German e0i%e usua% on such occasions* and the refreshments didnot rise to the sp%endor of a cost%# supper. This kind of compromise&ith fashionab%e gaiet# &as &ise%# deemed b# Lu the best method ofintroducing anie% to the beau mondeHHa push gi'en the timideag%et b# the materna% bird* &ith a soft treeHtop bet&een him and the'ast e0panse of societ#. "o& simp%e &as the entertainment ma# beinferred from the fact that Lu fe%t some&hat discomposed &hen she gota note from one of her guests asking %ea'e to bring a%ong her niece*&ho &as making her a fe& &eeksJ 'isit. s a matter of course*ho&e'er* she returned ans&er to bring the #oung %ad#* and &e%come.

anie%Js dressingHroom ha'ing been gi'en up to the gent%emen* +

in'ited him to make his toi%et in mine* and* indeed* &anting him tocreate a fa'orab%e impression* became his 'a%et pro tem* t#inghis cra'at and teasing the di'init# student %ook out of his sidehair. M# %itt%e dand# Bi%%# came in for another share of attention*and &hen + managed to button his jacket for him so that it sho&ed hisshirtHstuds %ike a manJs* $ount dJOrse# cou%d not ha'e fe%t a morep%easing sense of his sufficienc# for a%% the demands of the ga#&or%d.

!hen &e reached the par%or &e found Pa and and Ma Lo'egro'e a%read#recei'ing. bout a score of guests had arri'ed. Most of them &ere o%dmarried coup%es* &hich* after pa#ing their de'oirs* fe%% in

t&o %ike unri'eted scissorsHHthe gent%emen finding a ne& pi'ot in paand the %adies in ma* &here the# mi%d%# opened and shut upon suchuestions as se'era%%# concerned them* such as the &a# go%d c%osedand ho& the chi%dren &ere.


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Besides the o%d married peop%e* there &ere se'era% o%d #oung men ofdistinct%# hope%ess and unmarried aspect &ho* ha'ing nothing incommon &ith the other c%ass* nor sufficient energ# of character toband themse%'es for mutua% protection* ho'ered dejected%# about thearch pi%%ars or appeared to be considering &hether* on the &ho%e* it&ou%d not be feasib%e and best to sit do&n on the center tab%e. These

subsisted upon such crumbs of comfort as Lu cou%d get an occasiona%chance to thro& them b# rapid sorties of con'ersationHHbecamega%'anica%%# acti'e the moment the# &ere punched up and fe%% f%at themoment the punching &as remitted. + did a%% + cou%d for them* but*ha'ing anie% in to&* dared not sai% too near the edge of theo%drums* %est he shou%d drop into s#mpathetic stagnation and betaken preternatura%%# bashfu%* &ith his sai%s a%% aback* just as +&anted to carr# him ga%%ant%# into action &ith some c%ipperHbui%tcruiser of a nice #oung %ad#. ina%%#* Lu bethought herse%f of that%ast p%ank of dro&ning con'ersationa%ists* the photograph a%bum. %%the dejected #oung men made for it at once* some reaching it just asthe# &ere about to sink for the %ast time* but a%% getting a grip on

it someho&* and sta#ing there in compan# &ith other peop%eJs babies&hom the# didnJt kno&* and ce%ebrities &hom the# kne& to death*unti%* one b# one* the# either stranded upon a mother%# do&ager b#the irep%ace 2hoa%s* or &ere rescued from the 2oda 1eef b# somega%%ant &recker of a strongHminded #oung %ad#* &ith a 'ie& to takingsa%'age out of them in the German.

Besides these &ere a%read# arri'ed a doen nice %itt%e bo#s andgir%s* &ho had been in'ited to make it p%easant for Bi%%#. + had toremind him of the fact that the# &ere his guests* for* in comparison&ith the ueen of his affections* the# &ere in danger of beingdespised b# him as sma%% fr#.

The #ounger %adies and gent%emenHHthose &ho had fascinations todisport or &ere in the habit of disporting &hat the# considered such*&ere probab%# sti%% at home consu%ting the %ookingHg%ass unti% thatorac%e shou%d announce the auspicious moment for their setting forth.

anie% &as in con'ersation &ith a perfect godsend of a gir%* &hounderstood Latin and had begun Greek. Bi%%# &as taking a momentJs'acation from his bo#s and gir%s* bus# &ith O%d Maid in thee0tension room* and &hispering &ith his hand in mine* Oh* donJt +&ish she &ere here6 &hen a fresh in'oice of %adies* just unpackedfrom the dressingHroom in a%% the air# e%egance of e'ening costume*

f%oated through the door. + heard Lu sa#7

h* Mrs. 1umbu%%ion6 "app# to see #our niece* too. "o& dJ#e do* MissPi%grim

t this %ast &ord Bi%%# jumped as if he had been shot* and the be'#of %adies opening about sister Lu disc%osed the charming face andfigure of the prett# gir% &e had met at BarnumJs.

Bi%%#Js countenance rapid%# changed from astonishment to jo#.

+snJt that sp%endid* Cnc%e Tedd# ust as + &as &ishing it6 +tJs

just %ike the fair# books6 and* rushing up to the part# ofne&comers* M# dear Lottie6 cried he* if +Jd on%# kno&n #ou &erecoming +Jd ha'e gone after #ou6


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s he caught her b# the hand + &as p%eased to see her soft e#esbrighten &ith gratification at his enthusiasm* but m# sister Lu%ooked on natura%%# &ith astonishment in e'er# feature.

!h#* Bi%%#6 said she* #ou ought not to ca%% a strange #oung %ad#JLottie6J Miss Pi%grim* #ou must e0cuse m# &i%d bo#.

nd #ou must e0cuse m# mother* Lottie* said Bi%%#* affectionate%#patting Miss Pi%grimJs rose kid* for ca%%ing #ou a strange #oung%ad#. ,ou are not strange at a%%HH#ouJre just as nice a gir% as thereis.

There are no e0cuses necessar#* said Miss Pi%grim* &ith abe&itching %itt%e %augh. Bi%%# and + kno& each other intimate%#&e%%* Mrs. Lo'egr

American Humor 01

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