Erics Quest

8/14/2019 Erics Quest

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ERIC'S QUESTAn original screenplay

By Ken Ross

EXT. CITY PARK - DAY

ERIC WHITE, who is almost 16, is seated on a picnictable, playing the 1812 Overture on a harmonica. He iswearing an orange and purple Burl's Burger Barn uniform.JOAN, a 15-year-old girl with short-cropped hair, wearinga tube top, jeans ripped open at the knees and big hoopearrings, is sitting across from Eric. She is examining anew piercing stud in her nose with her compact mirror.

Eric concludes the piece.

ERICHow was that?

Joan puts down her mirror.

JOANFine, I suppose, but Eric, if youreally want to be a professionalharmonica player, you need to play

blues or rock and roll orsomething like that.

ERICNo, there are thousands ofharmonica players who play theblues and rock. I'll be the firstever concert harmonica performerof classical music. Joan, nobodybelieves in my dream. Please,you've got to believe in me.

JOANOK. You'll be a famous player ofclassical music on the harmonicasome day.

Eric stands.



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ERIC

I better get to work. You arecoming over for my birthday onSaturday aren't you?

JOANI don't think so.

ERICWhat do you mean you don't thinkso? It's my 16th birthday.

JOAN

I'm dumping you Eric.

ERICYou're dumping me?

JOANI'm going to date the Thompsontwins.

ERICYou're dumping me?

JOANYes, that's what I said.

They are both silent for a moment.

JOANSay Eric, I bought a shirt foryour birthday when we were stillgoing together and I got it onsale, so I can't return it and Ithought you might want to buy itfrom me. It's a really nice...

ERIC(interrupting Joan)

Did you say, you're going to datethe Thompson twins?



JOANYes.

3

ERICBoth of them?

JOANYes. They're identical, you knowand not just one of them, they'reboth identical.

ERICIdentical or not, it's weird foryou to date them at the same time.

JOANWhat if they were Siamese twinsjoined at the hip? I'd have todate them both at the same timethen, wouldn't I?

ERICThey are not Siamese twins.

JOANWhat if they were? Would you still

think it's weird to date themboth?

ERICYeah, I suppose I would.

JOANEric White! That's awful, thinkingpeople are weird because of theway they're born!

ERIC(Shouting)

The Thompsons are not Siamesetwins! I don't know any Siamesetwins! You don't know any Siamesetwins either!

JOAN



I knew you wouldn't understand.

4

INT. BURL'S BURGER BARN – DAY

Eric is behind the counter at a garishly decorated fastfood restaurant. He is near a cash register and amicrophone. A counter to the kitchen is behind him. MR.and MRS. CUSTOMER, both about 30, approach the counter.

ERICWelcome to Burl's Burger Barn. MayI take your order?

MR. CUSTOMERWe both want the glutton burgerdeluxe combo to go.

ERIC(Into microphone)

Two glutton deluxe combos to go.(to Mrs. Customer)

Ma'am, may I ask whether you haveany children?

MRS. CUSTOMERWhat business is that of yours?

ERICExcuse me. I just need to knowwhether you qualify for ourMother's Day two percent discount.

Eric points to a sign on the wall.

MRS. CUSTOMER(Angry)

No. We have no children, althoughLord knows we've tried, not thatit's any of your business.

MR. CUSTOMER(Angrier)

Maybe you'd like to ask us some



personal and humiliating questionslike they do at that damnedfertility clinic. That's whatyou'd like to do, isn't it, boy?

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ERICSir, ma'am, I'm sorry. I didn'tmean to offend anyone.

MRS. CUSTOMER(Starting to cry)

Have you ever stopped to thinkwhat it's like to see mothers withtheir babies, knowing that couldnever be you? Have you everthought about that?

ERICWell, no I guess I haven't.

Mrs. Customer starts sobbing heavily. Mr. Customer putsan arm around her shoulders and glares at Eric.

MR. CUSTOMERIt's no use trying to explainthings to him, darling. He's justan insensitive moron. Or maybe he

just likes tormenting people. Isthat what you like to do, boy,torment people?

VOICE IN BACKGROUNDOrder up.

ERICI'm very sorry. We'll let you havethe Mother's Day discount anyway.

Eric gets a tray with a sack and two drinks from thecounter behind him and sets it by the cash register.

MR. CUSTOMERForget your stupid discount. Whatdo we owe for your stupid food?

MR. WELLS, a concerned looking manager in uniform, about



30, approaches Eric and the Customers from behind thecounter. Mrs. Customer continues to sob loudly and Mr.Customer continues to glare at Eric.

6WELLS

Excuse me. I'm Mr. Wells, themanager here and candidate fordistrict manager over fivelocations. Is there a problem?

MR. CUSTOMERNo problem other than this idiotripping open a deep and festeringwound. Now what do we owe you?

WELLSNo charge, sir. The boy will payfor it from his final paycheck.Eric, you're fired.

ERICBut Mr. Wells, I just did what Iwas told to do.

WELLS

As manager here and candidate fordistrict manager over fivelocations, I can assure you thatat Burl's Burger Barn, we neverever tell our employees to ripopen deep and festering wounds.Now turn in your uniform.

ERICI'll go home and change clothesand bring the uniform right back.

WELLSNo, that uniform is Burl's BurgerBarn property and you are notleaving here with it.

ERICI don't have any other clothes



with me. How can I leave it?

EXT. OUTSIDE OF BURL'S BURGER BARN – LATER

Eric leaves Burl's Burger Barn wearing a trash sack.

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INT. WHITES' DINING TABLE - DAY

The White family is at the dining table. FATHER, about40, is at the head of the table. MOTHER, also about 40,is to Father’s right. Eric is to Father's left, standingin front of a birthday cake. Also at the table are ALLEN,14; BECKY, 13; CLARA, 12; DORIS, 11; EILEEN, 10; FRANK,9; GLORIA, 8; HEATHER, 7; IVAN, 6; and JENNY, 5. The roomand furnishings are dilapidated, giving an appearance ofmoderate poverty. Eric blows out the candles. The otherscheer. Mother starts cutting the cake.

FATHERDon't cut the pieces too big.There are 13 of us.

MOTHERActually, we have 12 children,making 14 of us all together.

FATHERNo, count them - 11 kids.

Mother looks around the table with a puzzled expression.

MOTHERI would have sworn we had 12.

CLARAEddie went to stay with theTrumbles.

FATHEREddie?

MOTHERYou remember Eddie. He collectsinsect larvae and has a Coloradoshaped birthmark on his neck.



FATHER

I thought we agreed it wasWyoming. How long is he stayingwith the Trumbles?

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FRANKIt was supposed to be overnightbut he never came back.

DORISThat was two years ago.

FATHERTwo years is too long to stay at a

friend's house. He'll have to comehome.

EILEENHe can't. They moved to Seattle.

FATHEROh.

MOTHEREverybody, be sure to chew your

cake thoroughly so you won't choketo death on a pecan.

Eric clutches his throat, gasping.

GLORIALook! Eric is choking to death ona pecan!

MOTHERSee. That's what happens when youdon't chew your food enough.

BECKYDad, if Eric chokes to death, canI have his room?

ALLENNo way! I'm older than you, Becky.



BECKYYeah, but there are only three ofyou in your room. There are sevenof us in the girls' room.

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Eric continues to make choking noises and is turning red.

FATHERAllen and Becky, you should beashamed of yourselves. Yourbrother isn't even dead yet andyou're squabbling over his room.

Allen and Becky hang their heads, looking contrite. Ericcoughs out a pecan that flies across the table, hittingAllen in the eye.

ALLENOw, my eye!

Allen rubs at his eye as Eric gulps in air, then sipsfrom a glass of water.

FATHER

Are you all right?

ERIC(Still gasping)

No! I'm not all right!

Eric stands up and shouts angrily.

ERICYou can start fighting over myroom again! I'm leaving! I'm goingto California to find a talentagent who will make me a famousclassical harmonica performer!

Eric's siblings laugh as Eric stomps out of the room.Mother and Father look at each other and try to restrainlaughter but are unable to.



MOTHERIt was so adorable. When we sawhim like that it broke our heartsto think about giving him up.

ERICSo, because Allen made a funnyface, you didn’t put us up foradoption?

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MOTHERWe decided not to put Allen up foradoption. You didn’t make the fishface.

FATHERNo, Eric, you really didn’t doanything cute at that age. So wewent ahead with arrangements witha Mr. and Mrs. Watson to take you.

EXT. WHITE FRONT PORCH - FLASHBACK

MR. AND MRS. WATSON, in their early 30s and wearing whitelab coats go to FOUR-YEAR-OLD ERIC. Mrs. Watson takes thechild by the hand and the Watsons walk away with Eric as

Father and Mother watch. Eric at age 4 shows no emotion.

FATHER (V.O.)They were scientists who operatedan independent testing lab.

EXT. WHITE FRONT PORCH - FLASHBACK CONTINUES

Mr. and Mrs. Watson, still wearing lab coats walk backtoward the front porch, with Mrs. Watson holding, Eric,age 4, by the hand. Eric is now also wearing a lab coat.

Father and Mother are waiting on the porch.

MOTHER (V.O.)But the Watsons couldn’t keep you.They were scientists, sonaturally, they had lab ratsrunning around the house and youwere terrified of rats.



get a puppy instead.

MOTHERFinally Ma and Pa Porter visitedus. They own a small familymolybdenum mine near the town ofNextexit in California.

ERICA family molybdenum mine?

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INT. WHITES' LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK

PA AND MA PORTER, in their 30s, each weighing about 350pounds, are seated on the couch. Pa wears bib overallsand Ma wears a plain dress. Father and Mother are seatedin chairs facing them. Eric, age 4, is on Mother’s lap.

PAYes, the Porter Family MolybdenumMine. We aren’t rich but we canafford to put some meat on thebones of that scrawny boy. We eatbig meals and have lots of snacks.

MALand sakes, yes! We have plenty ofsnacks. Mining is hard work and weneed to fuel our bodies.

PA

We already have two youngsters abit older than that one. Juniorand Sis. But having a familymolybdenum mine is kind ofdangerous. You never know whenyoungsters might be crushed todeath under tons of molybdenum orasphyxiated by methane gas.

MALand sakes, yes! Or they could bekilled by some common childhood



disaster, like what happened toMillie Potts - ripped apart byrabid skunks, or like whathappened to Tommy Andrews -bludgeoned to death when horseplaygot a tad too rough.

PASo, it pays to have spareyoungsters around in case you loseone or two.

MOTHERI’m sorry. I’m having secondthoughts about all of this.

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PAWhen can we expect a decision?

MOTHERI just don’t know.

MAWell, take all the time you need.

INT. ERIC'S BEDROOM - FLASHBACK ENDS

MOTHERSo since there was no time limit,the offer is still open and youcan go live with the Porters.

ERIC

I don't want to live with thePorters. I don't want to work in amolybdenum mine. I want to be aprofessional harmonica player.

FATHERWell, you need to have a place tostay when you get to California.

INT. BUS - DAY

Eric is by the bus window, looking out.



EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS

The bus goes past a "Welcome to California" sign in theSierra Nevada area of Northern California.

EXT. DOWNTOWN NEXTEXIT – DAY

Eric gets off of the bus and walks across the street tothe office of the Nextexit Weekly Gazette and enters.

INT. NEXTEXIT WEEKLY GAZETTE OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Eric enters a sparsely furnished office. SYLVIA MCDOONE,a pretty 16-year-old girl, is seated at a desk talking onthe phone. She doesn't notice Eric at first.

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SYLVIANo, I'm at dad's office. I stoppedin on my way to...

(notices Eric)Myrna, a boy came into the office!

(pause)No, he just walked right in. I'llcall you back.

Sylvia hangs up the phone.

SYLVIA(angry)

What are you doing here?

ERICIsn't this a newspaper office?

SYLVIAWell yes, but it's not open.

ERIC

The office isn't open today?

SYLVIAThe office is never open.Everybody knows that.

ERICI'm not from here.



SYLVIAObviously. If you're here to robthe place, there's no money.

ERICI'm not here to rob the place. Ijust got off of a bus after a2,000 mile ride from home.

SYLVIAWhy would you travel 2,000 milesto get to a closed newspaperoffice unless you want to rob it?

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ERICDo you know the Porter family?

SYLVIAThe owners of the Porter FamilyMolybdenum Mine? Yes, I know them.Who are you, anyway?

ERICI'm Eric White.

SYLVIAI'm Sylvia McDoone. My father isScoop McDoone. He owns theNextexit Weekly Gazette.

ERICIf the newspaper is out ofbusiness, why does the phone work?

SYLVIA(annoyed)

I didn't say the newspaper is outof business. We have the press atour home, so dad works there andnever opens the office.

ERICThen why have an office?



SYLVIAWell, it wouldn't be much of anewspaper if there was no office,now would it?

ERICI suppose not. How do you get tothe Porter place?

SYLVIAYou go out east on Smith Roadthree miles past the Milton farmand then north four miles till youcome to where Herman Smith used tohave his fruit stand...

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ERIC(interrupting Sylvia)

Could I use the phone?

SYLVIANo. This isn't a public phone.

ERIC(as he departs)

Well thanks for nothing.

EXT. MEL'S MEAT MART - DAY

MEL, about 50, wearing a white apron, is in front of hisstore holding a broom as he talks to Eric.

MELSure I know the Porters. I'm aboutto make a delivery there. I'lltake you. Wait right here.

Mel goes into his store. Sylvia walks rapidly up to Eric,shouting his name as she approaches.

SYLVIAEric, Eric.

ERICWhat do you want, Sylvia?



SYLVIAEric, I'm sorry I was rude to you.You can use the phone if you want.

ERICThanks, but I'm getting a ride outthere with a meat delivery.

SYLVIAWhy are you going to the Porters?

ERICWhen I said I was going toCalifornia, my parents rememberedthat the Porter family agreed totake me in a long time ago.

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SYLVIAWhy did you come to California?

ERICTo find a talent agent who willmake me a famous harmonica playerof classical music.

(pause)Pretty silly, huh?

SYLVIANot the part about wanting to be afamous harmonica player, butyou're in northern California, 600miles from any Hollywood talentagents.

ERICYeah, I know. But my parentsinsisted I get a bus ticket hereso I'd have a place to stay. I

spent my own money for the ticketso I'm broke and hundreds of milesfrom where I want to be. I figureI'll earn money at the molybdenummine or somewhere else so I canafford to go to Los Angeles andbecome famous. I know it's reallystupid coming here but I don't



think my dream of becoming afamous harmonica player is stupid.Everybody else does.

SYLVIAI don't. I used to have a dream ofbecoming a famous classicalmusician but dad convinced me togive it up.

ERICWhat instrument do you play?

SYLVIAThe tambourine.

19

ERICOh.

(pause)How does your mother feel aboutyour dream of becoming a classicaltambourine player?

SYLVIAMy mother is no longer with us.

ERICOh, I'm sorry.

SYLVIAIt's OK. It happened when I was ababy. I can't say exactly what itwas that happened. She either diedor ran off with somebody. Dad is

rather vague on the details. So youspent all the money you had on abus ticket?

ERICWell, mostly I spent my money on ademo CD that I sent to a bunch oftalent agents.



INT. STERLING TALENT AGENCY - DAY

An attractive secretary, TASHA KRAPPENKLUTZ, about 30,wearing a business style pants suit, is seated at herdesk, listening to harmonica music on a CD player. MISTERSTERLING (as is explained later, his given name isMister), about 50, comes through the door from his inneroffice.

STERLINGWhat is that, Tasha?

TASHAA demo CD from a harmonica playerwho wants us to represent him.

STERLINGIs that classical music?

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TASHAIt's the 1812 Overture byTchaikovsky.

Sterling turns the CD player off.

STERLINGWe don't represent harmonicaplayers and if we did, it wouldn'tbe harmonica players who playclassical music. Don't you havevacuuming or dusting to do?

TASHAMr. Sterling, most offices havethe building janitorial staff do

that, not their secretaries.

STERLINGWe get $100 a month off our rentfor doing our own cleaning, but ifit's that important to you, we canhave the building janitors do it.



TASHAThank you, Mister Sterling.

STERLINGYou're welcome, Tasha. Do you wantme to deduct the $100 a month fromyour pay or do you want to pay forthe service directly?

TASHAForget the whole thing, Mr.Sterling. I'll do the cleaning.

EXT. PORTER DRIVEWAY - DAY

A three-axle truck with Mel's Meat Mart painted on theside is pulling away. Eric is next to JUNIOR PORTER, inhis early 20s. Junior is behind a wheelbarrow that ispiled with a mound of white packages. Junior waves withenthusiasm at the departing truck, then starts to movethe wheelbarrow toward the house.

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JUNIORThey're all going to be surprisedto see you.

ERIC

I thought mom called ahead.

JUNIORYeah, she did, but I forgot to telleverybody else you were coming.

INT. PORTER LIVING ROOM - A MOMENT LATER

Junior enters the living room, pushing the wheelbarrow,followed by Eric. Ma Porter, and SIS PORTER, in her early20s, are sitting on a broken down couch watching a TV

infomercial for an amazingly versatile food processor.Sis is shucking ears of corn from a large pile andputting the ears into a tub. Ma is peeling potatoes froma large pile and putting them into another tub. PaPorter, and GRAMPS PORTER, about 60, are arm wrestling ata table and eating sub sandwiches. They continue to armwrestle through the scene. All the Porters weigh between300 and 400 pounds. Junior sets the wheelbarrow down.



JUNIORPa, Ma, Gramps, Sis, this here isEric White. He came from town withMel on the meat truck. He says weagreed to adopt him.

MALand sakes! That was a long timeago. We done gave up on that idea.

Gramps takes a bite of sandwich and says somethingincomprehensible. Food falls from his mouth as he speaks.

PAYou can say that again, Gramps. Hesure is scrawny.

Gramps takes another bite of sandwich and says somethingelse incomprehensible.

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PACourse not. A scrawny thing likethat wouldn't be no use in themine. Junior, go tell Mel to take

him back to town.

JUNIORToo late. Mel’s gone.

MALand sakes, can't we give the poorscrawny thing a decent meal? Hecan go back tomorrow.

INT. PORTERS' DINING ROOM – LATER

CLOSE on Eric sitting at the table. Sis sets a large bowlof mashed potatoes by his plate.

SISI hope you like mashed potatoes.

ERIC



I sure do. Thanks.

Eric puts mashed potatoes on his plate. He starts to passthe bowl but then sees they all have their own bowls. Pa,Gramps and Junior are eating directly from their bowls.Sis sits down and begins eating from her bowl. Ma enterswith a platter of roasted chickens. Gramps says somethingincomprehensible through a mouth full of mashed potatoesas Ma puts a chicken on each plate.

PANow Gramps, the boy can't helpbeing scrawny. It's his bonestructure and metabolism. It'slike the Porter bone structure andmetabolism makes us a bit stocky.

MALand sakes! That's sure enoughtrue. You can't blame the boycause he don't have enough bonestructure and metabolism.

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EXT. PORTER DRIVEWAY - DAY

Mel's truck pulls away as the Porters watch, standingnext to a wheelbarrow piled with white packages. The

Porters wave, except for Gramps, who gnaws at a large hamhe holds in both hands.

INT. TRUCK CAB - CONTINUOUS

Mel drives. Eric is on the passenger side.

MELToo bad things didn't work outbetween you and the Porters. Isuppose they at least fed youwell.

ERICI ate too much last night and gotsick. My stomach was too upsetthis morning to eat a turnip andcow brain omelet. Now I'mfamished.



MELWhat do you plan on doing now?

ERICI guess I need to look for work.

MELWhat have you done?

ERICFood service work.

MELMy next stop is at Chuck'sChicken. You can try there.

INT. CHUCK'S CHICKEN MANAGER'S OFFICE - LATER

Eric is seated in front of a desk where the MANAGER,about 40, is seated, wearing a black and pink uniform androoster-head hat. The manager looks at a computer, withconcentration and a bit of disdain.

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MANAGEROh, it looks like a deep and

festering wound firing, due to theripping open of one.

ERICThat was a misunderstanding.

MANAGERThat's not something we tolerateat Chuck's Chicken. Maybe you cantry across the street at Piggy'sPork Palace. They're less pickyabout who they hire.

INT. PIGGY'S - LATER

ABNER, about 50, the manager, wearing a uniform oflavender and green with a pig head hat, is behind thecounter facing Eric. The menu board has Oinker SupremeBasket as the only item.



ABNERNo, we have no openings now. Wouldyou care to order an oinkersupreme basket? If your ticket hasa green pig on it, you get themeal free. That's the prize in ourPiggy's Pork Palace contest.

ERICI don't have any money. Can yougive me any work at all, even justfor today?

ABNERIf you're willing to work forfood, I have a job you can do foran oinker supreme basket.

EXT. BEHIND PIGGY'S - A MOMENT LATER

Abner and Eric stand by a mound of trash, Eric holding anempty bag.

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ABNER

I have a side business raisingferrets. I save trash for weeks andhave somebody get bits of meat thatare thrown away. Don't worry aboutit being rancid or full of maggots.The ferrets love it all.

INT. PIGGY'S - LATER

Eric enters, looking ill. Abner is behind the counter.

ABNERAll done? OK that's one oinkersupreme basket and if you get agreen pig on your ticket, I'lleven give you the price of themeal.

ERIC



ABNERSay, Sheriff, isn't there somekind of law against vagrants inthis town?

INT. SHERIFF'S CAR - LATER

The sheriff is driving. Eric is in back, handcuffed.

ERICHow long will you keep me in jail?

SHERIFFUntil you have money and are nolonger a vagrant.

ERICDo I get paid in jail?

SHERIFFHell no! You're damned lucky toget fed!

ERICThen how do I get the money to notbe a vagrant?

27SHERIFF

Well, uh...

The sheriff thinks a moment with a pained expression ofconfusion.

EXT. COUNTY LANDFILL - DAY

The sheriff is talking to GUS, about 50, the landfillsupervisor. Gus is wearing coveralls, dotted with piecesof food. Eric is standing beside the sheriff, no longerwearing handcuffs.

SHERIFFSo, I got to thinking that unlessI can find this boy a job, he'llremain a vagrant and he'll have tostay in jail eating food that the



ERICNo sir, I won't do any of thatsort of thing.

The sheriff and Eric stop and look in front of them.

SHERIFFMayor Horn is giving a speechtoday to the Ladies Society forDecency and Sanitation.

ERICNot much of a crowd.

SHERIFFOnly about half of the LadiesSociety members are here. That'sScoop McDoone, owner and editor ofthe Nextexit Weekly Gazette.

MAYOR HORN, about 60, wearing an old fashioned suit andtop hat, and the MAYOR'S AIDE, about 30, a woman in abrown dress suit, are on a bandstand with an Americanflag behind them. They face 50 folding chairs and threepeople, widely spaced apart. There are TWO ELDERLY WOMEN,about 70, and SCOOP MCDOONE, about 40. Scoop wears anill-fitting dark suit and writes on a notepad.

29

MAYORAnd as the mayor of Nextexit, Ifeel it incumbent upon myself topledge to my loyal constituencythat all assets of our municipalitywill be dedicated to restoring thecustomary ample capacity of ourwastewater treatment infrastructureand we will do so with the alacrityas befits an undertaking of suchmomentous urgency.

AIDEWe'll get the sewer fixed as soonas possible.



MAYORAs always, I'm immensely gratifiedat the wealth of civic mindednessdisplayed by those of you whoinvest precious portions of yourdaily agendas to remain informedabout matters that have an impacton the community of Nextexit.

AIDEThanks for coming, everybody.

The women leave. Scoop goes up closer to the bandstandand takes photos with a digital camera. The mayorpositions himself directly in front of the flag. He doesnot look down at the camera but slightly upward, his jawthrust forward. Scoop finishes, puts the camera in apocket and takes his notebook and pen out again.

SCOOPMayor, may I ask a question aboutthe sewer project?

AIDEWould the illustrious mayorenlighten me on an aspect regardingthe city's current undertaking onbehalf of the waste disposal needs

of the citizens of Nextexit?

30

MAYORI will eagerly abet your effortswith whatever resources are at mydisposal.

AIDEWhat is it, Scoop?

SCOOPIsn't it a conflict of interest tohave your own company do theproject without going to bid?

AIDECould those ignorant of your



honor's flawless reputation forintegrity misinterpret your directinvolvement in restoring serviceto the citizenry as somethingother than the selfless andgenerous act that it truly is?

MAYORMr. McDoone, since you are theproprietor of a thrivingestablishment and a representativeof the fourth estate, an awesomeresponsibility befalls you,requiring you to keep inperspective what serves thecollective interest of not onlyyour own enterprise but alsomutually supporting enterprises.

AIDEBack off Scoop, if you want tokeep your biggest ad account.

SCOOPOK, got it.

AIDEYour eloquent appeal to my civic

minded spirit is highlypersuasive.

31

The mayor and aide come down from the bandstand and aregreeted by the sheriff.

SHERIFFHi mayor.

AIDEMayor, it is always a pleasure toencounter his honor and engage indiscourse with an illustriouspublic servant.

MAYOR



And it is always gratifying togreet our region's preeminent lawenforcement officer.

AIDEHi sheriff.

SHERIFFCould you give this kid a job?

AIDEWould employment of this youthserve any of the myriad anddiverse functions of ourmunicipality?

MAYORWhile the employment of youthfulapplicants remains a priority,budgetary limitations impede ourcapabilities in that regard.

AIDENo.

MAYORRegrettably, I must terminate thisaffable interlude to attend to

mundane duties.

AIDEGood-bye, sheriff.

32

SHERIFFGood-bye, mayor.

The mayor and the aide walk off as Scoop walks up to thesheriff and Eric.

SCOOPSheriff, this kid doesn't need toactually get paid does he? I coulduse a lackey.

SHERIFF



He needs to eat and a place tostay.

SCOOPHe could stay in the shed in backof my house and I'd give him a canof beans a couple of times a day.

SHERIFFThat would be fine.

ERICWell actually, I was hoping...

SHERIFFQuiet, Eric. This is a good dealfor you. Scoop, if he doesn’t workout, I'll take him to jail.

INT./EXT. SHED - DAY

Scoop and Eric are standing in the doorway of a shedcrowded with junk.

SCOOPJust clear a space in here.There's a lawn chair you can sleepin. You can use a tarp for a

blanket. I'll set some poison outfor the rats.

ERICRats?

33

INT. NEWSPAPER PRESS ROOM - LATER

Scoop and Eric look at an antique press.

SCOOPIt's convenient having the presshere at home. This is an Excelsior500, quite an improvement over thepresses from the days ofGutenberg.



ERICI'm sure it is.

SCOOPThe plates we use to print thenewspaper are engraved by aprogram in the computer over herewhere I paginate.

Scoop brings Eric to a desk with a bulky, outdated-looking computer. A straight back chair is in front ofthe desk.

SCOOPThis is an Excelsior 600,completely solid state. It has novacuum tubes at all.

ERICThat's impressive.

SCOOPHave a seat.

Eric sits in the chair as Scoop takes a memory card fromthe digital camera.

SCOOPWe print an issue of the NextexitWeekly Gazette every week exceptwhen I'm on vacation, or the pressbreaks down or the weather is bad.

Scoop hands Eric a memory card.

34

SCOOPHere, put this in the card reader.

ERICIt says incompatible photo card, doyou want to format?

SCOOP



That's just a glitch. Click on no.If you click on yes, the photoswill be erased. Never ever do that!

ERICThat would be bad?

SCOOPVery bad. It doesn't matter whatelse we have in the paper as longas we have a good picture on thefront page. Now click on thecropping tool. Put the cursor justabove and to the left of themayor's hat. Good, now click themouse and hold it down while youmove the cursor down and right tooutline the portion of the picturewe will keep for the paper.

ERICLike this?

SCOOPMore to the right. We need to keepthe flag in. Good. The Americanflag is one of five things thatmake a photo great.

ERICWhat are the other four?

SCOOPA child, an animal, a burningbuilding, and a young woman in abikini. My life's dream is a photowith all five elements.

35Eric chuckles.

SCOOPDid I say something funny?

ERIC(With serious expression)



You're not very bright, are youboy?

SYLVIADad, he's probably a real goodharmonica player.

SCOOPThat doesn't prove that the boyhas any brains. He might be one ofthose savant people who can playbeautiful music but can't masterthe rules of tic tac toe.

SYLVIAOh, that explains a lot.

ERICIt doesn't explain anything. Theterm you're looking for is idiotsavant and I'm not one of those.

SYLVIADon't get upset, Eric. We won'tmake fun of you.

SCOOPWell, maybe just a little.

Scoop starts laughing. Sylvia refrains from laughing butis obviously amused.

SYLVIAOh dad, you're terrible. Wherewill Eric sleep?

SCOOPIn the shed.

37

SYLVIAWith the rats?

SCOOPWe'll put out poison. Take him to



the kitchen and get him some ratpoison.

SYLVIASure dad.

INT. KITCHEN - A MOMENT LATER

Sylvia opens a cupboard full of yellow boxes. Each boxhas a black silhouette of a rat on its back with its legsin the air. She reaches in to get one.

SYLVIA(Handing Eric a box)

I'd prefer having a sister buthaving a brother is OK. You livingin the shed will be kind of likehaving a poor, patheticstepbrother, like in some sadchildren's story. It'll be fun.

EXT. OUTSIDE DECK - DAY

Sylvia is in a lawn chair next to a patio table wearing aone-piece swimsuit and sunglasses. She is polishing hertoenails and talking on a cellphone. Eric is on his handsand knees cleaning the deck with a scrub brush.

SYLVIAOh, Myrna, no! Not Stan Clatter!He's so gross! Excuse me a minute,Myrna. Boy! Oh boy!

Sylvia snaps her fingers and nearly shouts at Eric.

SYLVIAYou, boy!

ERICWhat is it, your highness?

38

SYLVIAGet me a Coke and glass of ice.



39

SCOOPBoy, go to Doppledee's Deli and getme roast beef and cheddar onmarbled rye with mustard, dillpickles, tomatoes, onions, bellpeppers, lettuce and a side of coleslaw. Make sure they trim the fatoff the roast beef.

SYLVIAI'd like ham, American cheese,cucumbers and lettuce on sourdoughwith potato salad. No mustard,something different but nothing toospicy or sweet.

SCOOPAnd make sure mine has yellowmustard. Sometimes they try to usethat gray stuff. Get Eva to makethe sandwich.

SYLVIAI want regular potato salad, notthe German kind. If it smells badget me a lettuce salad with Italiandressing, instead. Make sure thelettuce is fresh.

SCOOPIf you can't get Eva, then getIsabella. If neither of them isworking, just forget the roast beefand mustard. I'll have bologna withmayonnaise, tomatoes, onions, bellpeppers and Swiss cheese on wholewheat bread, but only if Eva andIsabella are both off.

Scoop hands Eric a $50 bill.

SCOOPBring back all the change.

Eric departs.



40

SYLVIADo you think we should have writteneverything down?

SCOOPI know the boy is slow but even amoron should be able to remembertwo sandwiches and two salads.

INT. SCOOP'S OFFICE - LATER

Eric enters and sets the sack down on the desk whereScoop is seated. He brings out a wrapped sandwich and aStyrofoam container.

ERICHere's your sandwich, your coleslaw and your change.

Eric puts change on the desk. Scoop scowls.

SCOOPHey, what are you trying to pullhere, boy? I gave you a $50 bill.Where's the rest of my change?

ERICThat's all of the change, Mr.McDoone. Honest.

SCOOPI know how much two sandwiches andtwo side salads cost at the deli.

ERICI also bought myself a sandwich anda bag of chips. I didn't thinkyou'd mind.

SCOOP(Outraged)

You what?

ERICIt was just a salami sandwich and a



small bag of chips. 41

SCOOP(Shouting)

How do you expect me to afford tobuy you beans when you spend all mymoney on salami sandwiches andchips? Take your sandwich and chipsback to the deli right now!

ERICI can't. I already ate them.

SCOOPThat's all you'll have to eat forthe next couple of days, you half-wit! Now take Sylvia her food!

EXT. DECK - A MOMENT LATER

Sylvia is talking on the phone. Eric sets her food on thetable and looks at her. She impatiently motions for himto scrub the deck. He starts scrubbing the deck.

SYLVIAI'll call back, Myrna. The boy isback with my food.

Sylvia takes a bite of her sandwich and makes a sourface.

SYLVIAOh my gosh! What did they put inthis sandwich?

Eric stops scrubbing and sits back on his knees.

ERICGarlic butter. You said you wantedsomething different than mustard.

SYLVIAWell, I certainly didn't say Iwanted garlic butter.

ERIC



You didn't say what you wanted.

42

SYLVIASo, you're not even going toapologize? You're just going togive me back talk?

ERICI'm sorry, Sylvia, for having themput garlic butter on your sandwichand for what I did earlier to yourglass of ice.

SYLVIAWhat did you do to my glass ofice?

ERICI accidentally drooled into it.

SYLVIA(Horrified)

What?

ERIC

You know what kind of boy I am. Ican't help drooling. Maybe I couldtake some medicine to stop ormaybe I could get an operation.

Eric resumes scrubbing the deck.

INT. SHED - NIGHT

Eric is sleeping on a lawn chair, covered by a piece ofcanvas, his head resting on a stuffed plastic bag.

INT. ADOPTION AGENCY - DREAM SCENE

An ADOPTION AGENT, about 30, wearing a dark suit andblack tie, is behind a counter as he speaks and the sceneslowly zooms in.

AGENT



Welcome to the Bright and ShinyAdoption Agency and Donut Shop.How may I be of service?

43

Mr. and Mrs. Customer are seen at the counter.

MR. CUSTOMERTwo cups of French roast, please.

The agent brings two cups from under the counter and setsthem on the counter.

AGENTVery well. Would either of youcare for some fresh and deliciouspastry?

The agent brings a pot of coffee from beneath the counterand begins pouring.

MR. CUSTOMERI'd like a glazed donut.

MRS. CUSTOMER

I'd like a cream-filled long John.

AGENTCertainly

MR. CUSTOMERAnd do you have any male infants?

The agent puts the coffee pot back under the counter andbrings up small plates, one with a long John and one witha donut. He sets them in front of Mr. and Mrs. Customer.

AGENTSorry. We have no infants in stockand the waiting list is long.

MRS. CUSTOMERHow unfortunate.



wound?

Mrs. Customer falls into her husband's arms, sobbing.

MRS. CUSTOMERDarling! Take me away from thisdreadful boy!

45

CLOSE on Mr. Customer whose face transforms into the faceof a rat as he speaks.

MR. CUSTOMERSee what you've done. You enjoytormenting people, don't you boy?

INT. SHED – DREAM SCENE ENDS

Eric's eyes are open wide and he is staring at a rat onhis chest that is staring back. Eric bolts up out of thelawn chair.

ERICDamn!

Eric picks up his shoe and throws it at the retreating

rat. There is a knock on the door. Eric turns on thetrouble light that hangs from the shed ceiling.

ERICWho is it?

SYLVIA(Entering with a can of beans)

It's me.

ERIC

What do you want?

SYLVIAI got to thinking that you onlyate a sandwich and a bag of chipstoday. That's not enough forsomeone who works as hard as you.So I brought a can of beans.



ERIC(Neutral tone)

How thoughtful.

SYLVIAI also got to thinking that somethings you might have heard me sayto Myrna this afternoon were kindof, well, thoughtless.

46

They look at each other silently for a minute.

SYLVIAYou were just kidding aboutaccidentally drooling into my glass

of ice, weren't you?

ERICOf course. I didn't do anythingaccidentally to your ice.

SYLVIA(Relieved)

Thank goodness.(handing Eric the can of beans)

So, how do you like it out here?

ERICI hate it. That rat poison doesn'tkill rats. Damn, I hate rats!

SYLVIAThe poison probably makes the ratsreally sick.

ERICWhat good does that do?

SYLVIAWell, you said you hate rats. Itmust give you some satisfaction toknow that the rats get really sick.

ERICOddly enough, I get no satisfaction



from rats getting sick.

SYLVIAHaven't you been playing yourharmonica out here?

ERICNo, I haven't been playing theharmonica. What does that have todo with anything?

47

SYLVIA

I read somewhere that harmonicamusic drives away rats. Well, I'll

let you eat your beans.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF SHED - A MOMENT LATER

Sylvia is walking away from the shed. She turns to lookback when she hears blues played on the harmonica.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Eric is seated, holding a phone to his ear.

ERICThis is Eric White. Is Mr. Sterlingavailable?

(pause)Well, I was wondering whether hehad a chance to listen to my demoCD?

(pause)Well, thanks anyway.

Eric, disconnects and then starts dialing another numberwhile glancing at an open notebook.

INT. STERLING TALENT AGENCY – CONTINUOUS

Tasha, standing next to the desk, hangs up to the phone.She goes to a copying machine opened up for repairs.Tasha picks up a screw driver and begins repairing thecopier. Sterling is at the door to his inner office.



STERLINGWho was on the phone?

TASHAThat classical harmonica player.He'll probably call back. Maybe youshould talk to him when he does.

STERLINGNo, you can handle it. When willyou have that copier repaired.

48

TASHAI don't know. Maybe a professionaltechnician could do a quicker job.

STERLINGMaybe, but you can't afford that,can you?

TASHANo, I can't.

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Eric is talking on the phone. Sylvia walks into the room.

ERICBe sure and ask Mr. Tallman tolisten to the CD. Thank you.

Eric disconnects while looking at the notebook.

SYLVIAWhat are you doing?

ERIC(startled)Oh, hi Sylvia.

SYLVIAYou better not be making longdistance calls.



ERICLike a poor, pathetic stepbrotherin some sad children's story?

SYLVIARight.

MONTAGE

A montage of scenes has blues harmonica music in thebackground. Scenes include Eric inking press plates, Ericscrubbing a toilet, Eric stacking bundles of papers, Ericworking at a computer terminal.

50

EXT. DECK – DAY

Sylvia is in a patio chair talking on the phone. Eric iseating a can of beans, watching her with an expression oflonging.

EXT. PARK – DAY

Scoop and two elderly ladies are seated among foldingchairs, listening to the mayor give a speech from thebandstand, assisted by his aide. A siren is heard. Scoopstands and turns around. He sees SPARKY, about 80,wearing fire department turnout gear, wheeling by in a

wheelchair with a fire ax on his lap.

SCOOPSparky, what's up?

SPARKYThere's a fire at the NextexitTanning Salon, Day Care Center andVeterinary Clinic.

Scoop runs in the direction Sparky is headed, leaving the

slower moving man behind. The scene goes to slow motionwith Chariots of Fire playing as background music.

EXT. BURNING BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

A WOMAN IN A BIKINI, about 25, is coming out of abuilding carrying a THREE-YEAR-OLD GIRL in one arm and awhite rabbit in the other arm. The scene is still in slow



The same thing that's always wrong.

SYLVIAYou know I'm going to summer camptomorrow, don't you? I thought wecould have a friendly farewell.

ERICWhy? We're not friends. Why wouldwe want to pretend like we are?

SYLVIA(Angry)

I try to do something nice for youand this is how you act! For all Icare, you can eat the cheap beans!

52

ERICYou want to do something nice forme? How about helping me get to LosAngeles like you promised, maybeeven go with me?

SYLVIAWait until I'm back from camp andwe'll figure something out.

ERICNo, I won't be here. You think I'mgoing to wait around for youbecause you're so beautiful.

SYLVIAYou think I'm beautiful?

ERICOf course you're beautiful. Butyou're also selfish and cruel.

SYLVIAHow can you say I'm selfish andcruel when I get you the expensivebeans with real pieces of pork fat?

Sylvia stares at Eric for a moment, apparently waitingfor an answer.



ERICAre you actually expecting ananswer to that question?

SYLVIAOh, never mind. I suppose sinceyou're so damned good looking youthink you're above working for myfather and me.

ERICEverybody is above being treatedlike a slave. Just take yourprecious beans and go to yourprecious girl's camp.

53

Sylvia stomps off, carrying a can of beans with her butleaving the sack behind.

ERIC(speaking as Sylvia departs,probably unheard by Sylvia)

You think I'm good looking?

Eric picks up a can from the sack and holds it with both

hands. He looks at it appreciatively and then looks atthe door that Sylvia went through for a long moment. Hegoes toward the door as Scoop enters another door.

SCOOP(Excited)

Eric, I did it, I got a photo offour of the five things,everything but an American flag!

ERIC

That's great Mr. McDoone. Excuseme, I have to go talk to Sylvia.

SCOOPLater. Get these images into thecomputer while I ink the press.

Scoop takes a card from his camera and hands it to Eric.



Eric goes to the computer. Scoop goes to the press andstarts pouring ink from a jug into a tank while he talksexcitedly and gestures animatedly.

SCOOPI really never expected to getfive, or even four of the elementsin one photo. This is the greatestphoto of my life!

ERICMr. McDoone, what would happen if Iaccidentally clicked on yes for the"Do you want to format?" question?

SCOOPDon't even joke about that!

54

They are both silent a moment. CLOSE on Scoop's face, ashis eyes grow wide. CLOSE on Eric's terrified face.

INT. SYLVIA'S BEDROOM - A MOMENT LATER

Sylvia is angrily packing clothes in a suitcase. The dooropens. Eric hurriedly steps in and closes the door.

SYLVIA(Angry)What are you doing in here?

ERICSylvia, you've got to help me!Your father has gone crazy!

SCOOP(Shouting outside the door)

Boy! I'll find you, youincompetent moron!

Eric goes under the bed. The door swings open and Scoopenters, red-faced with a bit of foam around his mouth andcarrying a baseball bat.

SYLVIADad, what are you doing with thatbaseball bat?



SCOOPHave you seen him?

SYLVIASeen who?

SCOOPThe worthless imbecile!

SYLVIAOh, the worthless imbecile. Why no,of course not. Why would I see him?

Sylvia looks down at the floor by the bed and raises hervoice slightly.

55

SYLVIAAfter all, we're not friends, arewe?

SCOOPIs he under the bed?

Scoop steps toward the bed. Sylvia steps in front of him.

SYLVIADad, no! Oh, did you hear that?

SCOOPHear what?

SYLVIAThat loud noise. It sounded likeit came from the shed.

SCOOP(Looking toward the door)

I didn't hear anything.

SYLVIAIt was real loud. It definitelycame from the shed.

Scoop leaves the room. Eric comes out from under the bed.



Sylvia goes to a dresser and opens a drawer.

ERICThanks, Sylvia.

Sylvia gets a wig from the dresser drawer and brings itto Eric.

SYLVIAThis wig was my mother's.

Sylvia puts the wig on Eric.

ERICWhat's this for?

SYLVIA

It's a disguise.

56

INT. SYLVIA'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Eric is wearing a wig and a dress. Sylvia is puttinglipstick on him. The door opens and Scoop, still carryinga baseball bat, enters.

SYLVIA

Dad! Can't you knock beforebarging in?

SCOOPSorry. Have you seen the worthlessimbecile?

SYLVIANo. Dad, this is Erica Black. Sheis going with me to Camp Pandoratomorrow.

SCOOPHello, Erica.

ERIC(In high pitched voice)

Hello, Mr. McDoone.

SCOOP



Have we met?

ERICNo sir, never.

SCOOPYou look familiar.

ERICNo, I'm sure we’ve never met.

INT. BUS - DAY

Sylvia and Eric are sitting next to each other on a bus.Eric wears a wig, blouse and skirt.

SYLVIAYou don't look bad as a girl.

57

ERICI have a hard time taking that asa compliment.

SYLVIAIt was meant as a compliment.That's a great disguise except for

your underpants. I don't know whyyou wouldn't wear a pair of mypanties.

ERICNobody is going to see myunderwear. Why would I wear yourpanties?

SYLVIATo get into the part, Erica.

ERICI'm not Erica. I'm not gettinginto the part. As soon as I can,I'm changing into my old clothes.

SYLVIANo, you can't stay at Camp Pandora



in those clothes.

ERICI have no intention of staying atCamp Pandora.

SYLVIAOh, you have to. It'll be so fun.There'll be canoeing and volleyballand singing around campfires and abunch of stuff.

ERICSounds fun but it wouldn't work forobvious reasons.

SYLVIAWe can be roommates. We stay incottages, two girls to a cottage.At least take a look.

58

ERICI probably won't get a chance tochange before we get there so I'llhave to see the place.

SYLVIAOh, Erica! You won't regret it!

Sylvia kisses Eric on the cheek. She sits back smilingand looking out the window. Eric gently touches his cheekand then looks at Sylvia, longingly.

EXT. CAMP PANDORA - LATER

Eric, Sylvia and other girls come off the bus. DAPHNE,

age 16, and COURTNEY, age 16, are waiting outside.

DAPHNE(Excited)

Sylvia!

COURTNEY(Excited)



Sylvia!

SYLVIA(Excited)

Daphne, Courtney!

Sylvia and Daphne hug and then Sylvia and Courtney hug.

DAPHNEReady for a fun summer?

SYLVIAI sure am. Daphne, Courtney I'dlike you to meet my friend, Erica.

Eric shakes hands with Daphne and Courtney. They exchange"Pleased to meet you" greetings

SYLVIAErica is wearing boy's underpants.

DAPHNEReally?

59

COURTNEYNo kidding?

ERICWell, uh, actually uh...

SYLVIAWe better check in before all thegood cottages are taken. We'll seeyou girls later.

COURTNEYSure.

DAPHNEBye.

Sylvia and Eric walk away from Daphne and Courtney. Erictalks in an angry whisper.

ERICWhy did you have to tell the girls



that about me?

SYLVIAIf you're ashamed of wearing boy'sunderpants, then don't do it.

ERICI'm not ashamed of it! I justdon't want... Oh for Pete's sake!I'll just get out of here as soonas I can get my clothes changed.

SYLVIAYou can't leave now. It's late andI'm sure you'll feel differentlyabout it in the morning.

INT. ERIC AND SYLVIA'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

The cottage interior has two twin beds and two desks.There is a door to a bathroom. Daphne, Courtney andSylvia are sitting on the beds. Eric is in one of thechairs, staying apart from the animated conversation.

60

DAPHNEAnyway, Lennie is totally cute but

like so totally juvenile!

COURTNEYOf course. All boys are immature.It's just the way they are.

SYLVIAThat's the truth.

COURTNEYErica, don't you agree?

ERICAgree with what?

COURTNEYThat all boys are immature.

ERIC



No, I don't think so. Boys arecertainly smarter than girls.

DAPHNEYou can't be serious!

ERICSure I am. Things were better inthe olden days when women didn'thave to worry about stuff likevoting and making importantdecisions. Just thinking about allthat makes my head spin.

There is a knock at the door and the door opens slightly.A female COUNSELOR, about 25, sticks her head in thedoor.

COUNSELORGirls, curfew in five minutes.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF COTTAGE - A MOMENT LATER

Daphne and Courtney are leaving. Sylvia goes to the door.

61

SYLVIAGood night girls. See you tomorrow.

Daphne grabs Sylvia's arm, pulling her outside. Courtneycloses the door behind Sylvia.

DAPHNEYou realize, don't you, that yourroommate is so like totally weird?

COURTNEY

Like totally.

SYLVIAI know but it's not her fault. Thesocial services people recentlyrescued her from her cruel parents.

COURTNEY



What did her parents do to her?

SYLVIAThey made her act like a boy.

DAPHNEHow awful!

SYLVIAYes, she still likes to peestanding up.

INT. ERIC AND SYLVIA'S COTTAGE - LATER

Eric is sitting on his bed. Sylvia is coming out of thebathroom wearing a nightgown.

SYLVIAThe bathroom is all yours.

Sylvia gets a nightgown from her open suitcase.

SYLVIAThis will look good on you. Ithighlights your eye color.

62

ERICWhat a relief to have something tohighlight my eye color.

SYLVIANow Erica, stop it!

ERICStop what?

Sylvia sits on her bed, facing Eric.

SYLVIAThis won't work unless you get intoyour role.

ERICThis won't work.



SYLVIASure it will. You just needpractice. We'll stay up latetonight, talking about fashion andstuff. It’ll be so fun, like twosisters chattering away.

Eric angrily throws his wig at the wall.

ERICI'm not your sister!

SYLVIAOK! No need to get so huffy!

ERIC

(Calmer)I'm not your brother either. AndI'd like to be more than just yourfriend.

SYLVIA(As she gets into bed)

Of course we're more than justfriends. We're roomies. Well,we've had a long day. Maybe weshould get some sleep.

Sylvia turns onto her side, facing away from Eric. 63

SYLVIATurn off the light, will you?

EXT. HORIZON - DAWN

A sunrise is seen.

INT. ERIC AND SYLVIA'S COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS

Eric, wearing his regular clothes, quietly moves to thedoor and opens it.

SYLVIAEric.

Eric turns to look at Sylvia.



SYLVIADo you have to go?

ERICYes. Sylvia, it's time I set outto become a famous harmonicaplayer.

(pause)Thanks for not laughing at mydream. Thanks for saving me fromyour father. Thanks foreverything. I'll never forget you,Sylvia.

SYLVIAGood luck, Eric.

MONTAGE

A montage of scenes has blues harmonica music in thebackground. Eric has his thumb out on a highway. Ericgets a ride. Eric is in the Sterling Talent Agency outeroffice talking to Tasha. Tasha shakes her head. Similarscenes are shown in four other talent agency officeswhere secretaries shake their heads. Eric is seated on apark bench playing the harmonica. Someone puts money in apaper cup by Eric. THREE YOUNG MEN, early 20s, with

shaved heads, come to Eric and take the paper cup withmoney and start to walk away. Eric stands and shouts atthem. They turn and stare at Eric, then turn and walkaway, laughing. Eric sleeps under a bridge. Eric works ata car wash.

64

INT. STERLING'S INNER OFFICE - DAY

Sterling is in his office hitting golf balls into a cupwith a putter. Tasha enters.

TASHAMr. Sterling, that kid who playsthe harmonica is back again.

STERLINGAgain? I don't have time to talkto some kid with a harmonica.



TASHAI can see that but maybe youshould take the time to talk tohim. He comes back every day.

STERLINGTell him to stay away or we'll geta court order against him. Haveyou got the windows in the outeroffice washed yet?

TASHANot yet.

STERLINGGet to it as soon as possible. Idon't like idleness.

TASHAI know you don't, sir.

INT. OUTER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Tasha enters the outer office from Sterling's office.Eric is standing, waiting.

TASHA

I'm sorry, Eric. He is not going tosee you. He says if you come backhere again, he'll get a court orderagainst you. I'm sorry, but that'sjust the way it is.

65

ERICWell, thanks anyway, Ms.Krappenklutz.

TASHAGood luck, Eric.

Eric goes to the door to the hall. Tasha goes to awindow, takes a wet cloth from a plastic bucket andbegins washing the window. Eric looks back from thedoorway, pauses a moment, then stealthily moves to thedoor to Sterling's office. He slowly and quietly opens



the door, enters and closes the door behind him. Sterlingis still putting balls.

ERICMr. Sterling.

STERLINGDamn! You made me miss my putt.What the hell are you doing inhere?

ERICPlease, Mr. Sterling, can you justlisten to me play my harmonicajust once?

STERLINGNo, can't you see I'm busy? Nowget out of here or I'll have youarrested!

TASHA'S VOICE OVER INTERCOMMr. Sterling, your brother is online one.

Sterling picks up the phone.

STERLINGWhat is it, Clyde?(pause)

No, I represent top notch talent.I don't know anyone who wouldconsider playing at a dive likeClyde's Tap.

ERICI will.

66

STERLINGOh, get this. I've got a kid in myoffice who plays the harmonica. Heplays classical, you know,Beethoven and Bach and stuff likethat.

(pause)You're kidding. I'll ask him.



Tasha looks around the room.

TASHA(shrugging her shoulders)

Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt.

Tasha resumes her seat. Eric addresses the crowd,although Tasha is the only one listening to him.

ERICFor my next selection I shallperform the 1812 Overture byTchaikovsky.

Eric begins playing. Gradually the other sounds in thebar die down as the people at the bar and tables stop

talking and start listening. Eventually, the poolplayers, the dart players and the brawlers stop what theyare doing and walk over to hear and see Eric play.

INT. CLYDE'S TAP – ANOTHER NIGHT

Eric, now wearing a suit and tie, is playing the 1812Overture. Sterling and CLYDE, about 45, are at a table atthe far end of the bar from where Eric is playing. Ericconcludes and receives an enthusiastic round of applause.

CLYDE

I'm really surprised my customersgo for this classical stuff butthey love it. I'd like to sign thekid up for another six weeks.

STERLINGSorry, Clyde. I'm taking him toVegas. He'll be the opening actfor Percy Hudson, my Liberaceimpersonator.

63

CLYDEVegas? You think he's ready?

EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT



A black limousine is going down the highway at night.

INT. LIMOUSINE - CONTINUOUS

Tasha is driving. Sterling and Eric are seated in back.

STERLINGI think you're ready for this andif this is successful, we'llproduce a CD and your career willbe truly launched.

ERICI can't thank you enough for givingme a chance, Mr. Sterling.

STERLINGNot everybody has a gift like youhave, Eric. I certainly don't.Tasha does, though. She could be asuccessful performer of Siberianfolk dances but she refuses tochange her name. With her name, aprofessional dancing career is outof the question.

TASHAWhat's wrong with Tasha?

STERLING

You know I'm not talking aboutyour first name. I'm talking aboutKrappenklutz.

TASHAKrappenklutz is a perfectly finename. My parents had that name alltheir lives.

69

ERICYour mother didn't have that nameall her life, did she?



TASHAYes. It was also my mother'smaiden name.

ERICOh.

TASHAI know what you're thinking. No,my parents were not related beforethey were married. My father wasfrom the western SiberiaKrappenklutzes and my mother wasfrom the eastern SiberiaKrappenklutzes.

ERICOh.

TASHAMy life's dream is to marry aKrappenklutz from central Siberia.

ERICMr. Sterling, what's your firstname? I haven't heard anyone callyou anything but Mister Sterling.

STERLINGMy first name is Mister. Myparents figured with a name likethat, I'd be treated with respect.

ERIC

Did it work?

STERLINGNo. I got beat up a lot as a kid.But I get respect now as a highlysuccessful talent agent. So, Eric,tell us about yourself.

70

ERICIt seems like nobody ever asks methat. My whole life, nobody has



booth from Eric, both asleep.

INT. LAS VEGAS AUDITORIUM – EVENING

Eric concludes a performance of the 1812 Overture. Hereceives enthusiastic applause.

INT. LAS VEGAS AUDITORIUM – LATER

Eric joins Sterling and Tasha at a table. In thebackground is piano music and the voice of a Liberaceimpersonator.

ERICHow was I?

TASHA

Great, as always.

STERLINGYeah, pretty good. I've signedPercy up for a month extensionhere.

ERICThat's wonderful.

STERLING

But you won't be his opening act.

ERIC(surprised and disappointed)

Why not?

STERLINGBecause you're going on your owntour as a headliner.

ERICWow!

TASHAThis is fantastic Eric. You haveeverything you've always wanted.

73



Sterling digs into his pocket and brings out anotherenvelope.

STERLINGAnd here's a letter from yourmother.

Eric takes the letter.

ERICWas there anything else? Perhaps aletter from Nextexit?

STERLINGNo. Sorry. Well, I need to go

negotiate your Carnegie Hallappearance. Congratulations, Eric.

ERICThanks, Mr. Sterling.

Sterling departs.

TASHAWho were you expecting to hearfrom in Nextexit?

ERICNo one, really. No one in Nextexitcares anything about me.

INT. BANK - DAY

HARVEY, a bank teller, about 30, is looking at a check asEric stands at the counter.

HARVEYThis is a rather large check. Doyou have any ID?

ERICI have a library card.

An unarmed BANK ROBBER, about 30, moves between Eric andthe counter.



75

BANK ROBBERExcuse me.

HARVEYSir, you'll have to wait yourturn. I'll be with you as soon asI take care of this young man.

BANK ROBBERI happen to be a bank robber. Bankrobbers don't have to wait in linelike everybody else, now do they?

HARVEY

If you're a bank robber, thenwhere is your gun?

BANK ROBBER(Embarrassed)

I forgot it.

HARVEYWhat does that sign to your rightsay?

BANK ROBBERAll robbers must brandish a loadedfirearm during a robbery.

HARVEYThat's our policy.

BANK ROBBER

Couldn't you make an exception? Ido have a gun. I just left it athome.

HARVEYNo exceptions.

BANK ROBBER(Angry)

Hey Bud, give me your cash or I'llslap you real hard!



HARVEY(Shaking his head in disgust)

You are pathetic, sir.76

The bank robber stomps off. Harvey takes the library cardfrom Eric and scrutinizes it.

HARVEYLet me get this straight. You're ateenager, whose only ID is alibrary card from a town 2,000miles away and you want me to casha large check?

ERICYes, sir.

HARVEYWell, OK.

Harvey puts stacks of paperbound bills on the counter.

ERICThank you, uh...

HARVEYIt's Harvey Krappenklutz.

ERICOf the Krappenklutzes from centralSiberia?

HARVEY

How did you know?

EXT. OUTDOOR STAGE AREA - DAY

Tasha is nailing boards on a stage. Eric is facing her.She continues to hammer as she talks.

TASHAYou mean Harvey, the bank teller?

ERICYou know him?

TASHA



We dated a few times but I couldnever get serious about someonewho puts ketchup on his broccoli.So what did your mother's lettersay?

77

ERICDad got promoted to foreman at thelava lamp factory and mom wasnamed county chair of theAssociation for the Prevention ofChoking to Death.

TASHAThat's great!

ERICMy brother Eddie came home, atleast they think it's Eddie buthis birthmark now looks more likeKansas than Wyoming.

TASHAWell, I suppose that can happen toa birthmark.

Sterling walks up, holding three envelopes.

STERLINGYou've got fan mail, Maestro.

ERIC

(Taking envelopes)Really?

Eric scans the three envelopes, his face registeringdisappointment.

ERICIs this all?

STERLINGEric, you're just getting started.You haven't even released yourfirst CD. Once that happens thefan mail will start pouring in.



ERICPutting ketchup on broccoli is apoor excuse for breaking up withsomeone.

TASHAThere was more to it than that. Ireally don't want to talk about it.

79

Eric walks away, looking down at the three envelopes inhis hands as he slowly sorts through them.

INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

A SOUND TECHNICIAN, about 30, sits at a panel ofcontrols, looking through glass at Eric, who is wearing

headphones and standing at a microphone playing theconclusion of the 1812 Overture on his harmonica. Tashaand Sterling are behind the technician. Tasha has anironing board in front of her. She is ironing shirts. Abasket of shirts is on the floor. Eric finishes. Sterlingand Tasha applaud.

TECHNICIANOK, great! That wraps it up.

Eric takes off his headphones and comes out of the soundbooth.

TASHA

That was fantastic, Eric.

ERICThanks.

STERLINGEric, five fan letters today.

Eric excitedly grabs the letters from Sterling. He showsdisappointment as he sorts through them.

STERLINGStill no letter from yoursweetheart?

ERIC



(Walking out of the studio)I don't have a sweetheart.

EXT. POOLSIDE - DAY

Eric is seated alone at a patio table with an umbrella.He silently stares straight ahead. Tasha walks up.

80

TASHAYou look deep in thought. Mind ifI join you?

ERIC

Have a seat.

TASHA(as she sits down)

Have you contacted her?

ERICThere's nobody to contact.

TASHAYou can't keep moping. Give Sylviatime. Your CD hasn't been releasedyet. She might not know what hasbeen happening in your life.

INT. MCDOONE LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Sylvia is on the couch, eating popcorn and watching TV.Scoop is in a recliner, reading a newspaper. The paperhas a banner headline - "WORTHLESS IMBECILE STILL ATLARGE!" Scoop has a baseball bat across his lap.

TV ANNOUNCERWe'll be right back after a wordfrom our sponsors.

The 1812 Overture is played on the harmonica. The same TVannouncer's voice is heard.

TV ANNOUNCEREric White has amazed audiences



Greatest Rap Melodies of All Time.

Eric holds the harmonica to his mouth while the otherhand waves in time to repetitive music that couldconceivably be rap.

SYLVIAIsn't that amazing? Eric is asuperstar!

Scoop holds up his baseball bat and waves it at the TV.

82

SCOOPSuperstar or not, he better notshow his face in Nextexit!

INT. STERLING'S OFFICE - DAY

Sterling is seated behind his large desk. Eric and Tashaare in other chairs.

STERLINGWhy would you play a concert inNextexit, Eric? I thought you saidthey treated you horribly.

ERICSome people did but not everybody.This is a fundraiser for theNextexit Volunteer Fire Department.

TASHA

It would be a PR opportunity.

STERLINGThat's out of the question, Eric.Maybe in a year or two, you can dosome PR concert in a jerkwater townlike Nextexit but right now you'vegot to capitalize on your success.You've just released a set of CDsand you're scheduled for a two-weektour of Liechtenstein.

TASHAMaybe we can discuss it when we get



back from Liechtenstein.

EXT. JET – DAY

A small airborne jet is seen from outside.

INT. JET – CONTINUOUS

Eric, Tasha and Sterling are seated at a table.

STERLINGA crowd of fans is waiting at theairport.

83

ERICA crowd of fans?

TASHAOh, yes. You're huge inLiechtenstein.

EXT. AIRPORT - LATER

Eric stands in the doorway of the jet as loud cheers of acrowd are heard. Eric stares in amazement. Inserted filmclips show crowds of tens of thousands. Eric, Sterlingand Tasha go to a limousine where GUNTER GUNTERMAN, about50, dressed in a three-piece suit, is waiting. Guntermangoes to shake Eric's hand. He shouts to be heard abovethe crowd.

GUNTERMAN

Welcome to Liechtenstein HerrWhite. I'm Gunter Gunterman, theLiechtenstein Minister of Culture.

ERICPleased to meet you, HerrGunterman.

INT. LIMOUSINE - A MOMENT LATER

In the limousine, Gunterman and Sterling are seatedfacing Eric and Tasha.

GUNTERMANOf course, all appearances havebeen sold out.



STERLINGAre you ready to takeLiechtenstein by storm, Eric?

ERICI'm ready, Mr. Sterling.

MONTAGE

Scenes of Eric on stage are interspersed with clips offans going wild, {clips from a 1960s Beatles concert).Eric plays on an outdoor stage followed by scenes of theWoodstock crowd. Eric waves from a convertible,superimposed on a ticker tape parade in New York.

84

INT. OUTSIDE OF DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Eric is signing autographs for an enthusiastic group ofteenage girls.

STERLINGSorry folks. Eric has to preparefor this evening's performance.

Sterling continues talking to the fans as Eric goes intothe dressing room.

INT. DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Gunterman and Harvey are waiting in the dressing room.

GUNTERMANPardon the intrusion, Eric, butthis gentleman says he hasimportant business with you.

ERICIt's Harvey from the bank, isn'tit?

HARVEY(As they shake hands)

Yes. I'm surprised you remember me.

ERICWhat brings you all the way to



Liechtenstein?

Harvey takes a card from a pocket and hands it to Eric.

HARVEYYou forgot your library card at thebank.

ERICThank you! I was wondering whathappened to that. Do you plan tosee my show tonight?

HARVEYI'd love to but it's sold out.

85

ERICHerr Gunterman, could we find aticket for Harvey?

GUNTERMANCertainly. Would third row centerbe adequate?

HARVEYThat would be wonderful!

ERIC

And afterwards, maybe you couldjoin a small intimate group of usfor dinner at the hotel.

HARVEYI'd be delighted to join you.

INT. HOTEL SUITE - EVENING

Eric answers the door when Harvey arrives. Gunterman,Sterling and Tasha are in the room.

ERIC(As they shake hands)

Harvey, good of you to come.

HARVEYMy pleasure. Your performancetonight was fantastic.



owns the bank but I don't want toabuse that advantage.

TASHAYour father owns the bank?

HARVEYYes, it’s the Krappenklutz Bank.

TASHAI knew that was the name of thebank. I just never made theconnection.

GUNTERMANShall I proceed?

87STERLING

By all means.

Gunterman goes to a white marker board and draws anirregular shape and puts an X in the center.

GUNTERMAN

Here we are in centralLiechtenstein.

Gunterman makes an irregular line, marking off a portionof Liechtenstein, roughly the northwestern quarter.

GUNTERMANThe Great Liechtenstein Jungle isour most isolated area. It ismostly uninhabited jungle filledwith deadly snakes...

Gunterman makes squiggly lines indicating snakes.

GUNTERMANAnd other horrible things.

Gunterman draws a face showing horror.

GUNTERMANThe isolated and impoverishedcitizens living in the GreatLiechtenstein Jungle are unable to



attend an Eric White concert. Thismakes them sad.

Gunterman draws a frowny face.

GUNTERMANWhat we’ll do is make an arduousand dangerous backpacking tripinto the jungle for a concert.This will make the jungleresidents happy.

Gunterman draws a happy face.

STERLINGThank you Herr Gunterman. Are weready for dinner?

88

ERICIf you don't mind. I'd like toplay a special tune first.

GUNTERMAN

That would be splendid.

STERLING

By all means.

ERICPerhaps Harvey and Tasha willrecognize this tune.

Eric starts playing a Polka style tune.

TASHAIt's the Siberian Click-clicksong!

HARVEYYes, the song for the traditionalSiberian Click-click Dance.

GUNTERMANHow is it done?

Tasha and Harvey look lock at each other a moment, then



lock their right arms together and skip around in acircle waving their left arms and snapping fingers.

EXT. JUNGLE - LATE AFTERNOON

Gunterman, Eric, Sterling, Tasha and Harvey, all wearingbackpacks, are hacking through dense jungle brush withmachetes. Gunterman leads the way. He stops in aclearing.

GUNTERMANWe'll spend the night in thisclearing. We need to build a bigcampfire. Hopefully, that willkeep the deadly Liechtensteinjungle vipers from attacking.

ERICHopefully?

89

EXT. CAMPSITE - NIGHT

Tasha and Harvey are lying on the ground facing thecampfire, the tops of their heads a few inches from eachother. They speak in low voices.

HARVEYI've often wondered whether youtold me the real reason you brokeup with me.

TASHAYou know why.

HARVEYSo I should change my eatinghabits to please you?

TASHAThat's what people do when theycare about each other. They adjusttheir lives to please each other.

HARVEYYou mean they adjust their lives



to please you.

TASHAThere's no point in talking aboutit. It's over.

HARVEYFine.

EXT. CAMPSITE - MORNING

Eric walks up to a tree. He rubs his eyes sleepily. Thesound of a zipper is heard and then the sound ofurinating. A snake lowers its head so it is looking intoEric's eyes, its tongue flicking. Eric looks around andsees dozens of snakes hanging from tree limbs. He turnsand runs. Gunterman is lying on his back, asleep. Ayellow stream splashes across his face. Gunterman jerksup to a sitting position.

GUNTERMANWhat the...

90

Eric puts wood on the smoldering fire.

ERIC

(Shouting)Snakes! Thousands of them!

The others sit up and look around. They see snakescrawling around in the brush.

STERLINGMy God! We're surrounded? HerrGunterman, what can we do?

GUNTERMANWe can build up the fire but thatwill only delay the inevitable.

STERLINGThis doesn't surprise you?

GUNTERMANThis sometimes happens to groups



traveling through the Liechtensteinjungle. We were such a small groupthat I thought we could avoid this.

STERLINGGunter, This is the last tour youwill arrange for us!

GUNTERMANMaybe you don't understand thesituation. This is the last thingany of us will ever do.

The snakes slither around in a circle around thecampsite, gradually working their way toward the center.

ERICAren't snakes supposed to be moreafraid of us than we are of them?

GUNTERMANSnakes have never actually beensurveyed on that subject.

91

TASHAWhat I don't understand is why thesnakes would attack humans. We're

too big to eat.

HARVEYOh, does that bother you, Tasha,the irrationality of viciouscreatures?

GUNTERMANActually, the behavior of thesnakes serves a purpose for them.Once we’re dead, we will attractLiechtenstein jungle rats. They arethe main source of food for theLiechtenstein jungle vipers.

STERLINGThank you so much Herr Guntermanfor sharing that.



ERICI could keep away the rats if I wasalive but we'll all be dead.

TASHAHow could you keep away rats?

ERICRats run from harmonica music.

HARVEYMaybe snakes would too.

ERICI don't think so.

TASHAIt's worth a try.

Eric gets his harmonica from his pocket and startsplaying. Snakes start slithering away into the brush.

STERLINGHey, it's working!

92

EXT. JUNGLE - A MOMENT LATER

Gunterman is leading the group, slashing at brush withhis machete. Eric follows, playing his harmonica, thenSterling and then Tasha and Harvey side by side. Tasha,looking frightened, moves against Harvey and he wraps anarm around her shoulders.

EXT. VILLAGE - LATER

The group enters a village of mud huts. Dozens of nativescheer. Some hold a banner saying WELCOME ERIC WHITE. Themen and boys wear lederhosen and Robin Hood style capswith a feather in each. The women and girls wear colorfulpeasant dresses. BURGERMEISTER PAULO, about 40, and FRAULENA, about 20, approach. Burgermeister Paulo bows toEric.

BURGERMEISTER PAULOWelcome to our village. I amBurgermeister Paulo. This is my



favorite wife, Frau Lena.

Frau Lena curtsies. Eric bows.

ERICPleased to meet you BurgermeisterPaulo and favorite wife Frau Lena.

FRAU LENAWe would be honored if you wouldaccept the hospitality of ourhumble home. We can discusstomorrow's concert while we dine.

INT. DINING ROOM - LATER

Burgermeister Paulo, Frau Lena and their guests eat frombowls at a long table.

FRAU LENABeans with real pieces of pork fatis a popular dish in the GreatLiechtenstein Jungle. I hope youenjoy it, Eric.

93

ERICI used to eat beans frequently butmostly it was the cheap kindwithout real pieces of pork fat.

TASHAThis is a lovely table. I've neverseen wood like this.

GUNTERMANIt's Liechtenstein swampwood,isn't it?

FRAU LENAYes it is. The trees grow only inthe Great Liechtenstein Jungle.The wood is quite valuable butthere are no roads to bring it outof the Great Liechtenstein Jungle.



BURGERMEISTER PAULOWe have many natural resourcesthat could make our villageprosperous if only we had roadsbut we don't so we remain isolatedand poor.

HARVEYWhy are there no roads?

BURGERMEISTER PAULOThe Liechtenstein jungle vipersalways annihilate the constructioncrews.

HARVEYIf a way to repel the snakes wasdiscovered, roads could be builtthrough the jungle, couldn't they?

BURGERMEISTER PAULOEven if that were possible, noinvestors will try that again. Oneyear, Liechtenstein jungle ratsate nearly half the bankers inLiechtenstein.

94

Two TEENAGE GIRLS in peasant dresses bring in trays withbowls on them

FRAU LENAOur next course is another populardish of our region, broccoli andgoat eyes.

The serving girls set bowls of broccoli and eyeballsbefore the guests. Harvey reaches for a bottle of ketchupand takes off the cap. He glances at Tasha, puts the capback on and sets the bottle down. Tasha picks up thebottle, takes off the cap and pours it on Harvey's bowlof broccoli and goat eyes.

INT. STAGE - EVENING



Eric, his face wet with sweat, finishes playing a tune ona stage with some African looking decorations in thebackground. There is the sound of applause and cheering.

ERICThank you everybody. It has beenwonderful being in the GreatLiechtenstein Jungle.

INT. HOTEL DINING ROOM – EVENINGSterling, Tasha and Eric are having supper, Sterlingeating lobster, Eric eating steak and Tasha eatingspaghetti.

STERLINGThe jungle was interesting but it'sgood to be back in the civilizedarea of Liechtenstein.

TASHAI found the jungle beautiful.

STERLINGWell Eric, we have two more days inLiechtenstein without any concerts.You and I can go scuba diving atthe Great Liechtenstein Reef whileTasha catches up with bookkeeping.

95

TASHAI have other plans.

STERLINGWhat do you mean other plans?You're my secretary aren't you?

TASHAThat doesn't mean I'm your slave.

STERLINGWell, no, not technically.

TASHAI've been working for monthswithout a break so I don't thinkit's unreasonable to take a couple



of days off.

STERLINGMaybe one day off would bereasonable.

TASHAI'm taking two days off and by theway, Harvey declined your offer ofa ride back Monday on our jet. He'sstaying in Liechtentstein for a fewmore weeks.

STERLINGWhat will he be doing here for afew weeks.

TASHAYou'll have to ask him.

(stands up)If you'll excuse me, I'm not veryhungry and I have a big day plannedfor tomorrow.

STERLING(angry)

Well, you better be at the airportat 9 a.m. sharp on Monday or we'll

leave without you.

96

TASHAFine, you do that.

Tasha departs.

STERLINGWhat has gotten into that girl?

ERICMaybe she wants a life of her own.

STERLINGRidiculous. Since when did thatbecome part of the job descriptionfor a secretary?



EXT. AIRPORT - DAY

Tasha and Harvey wait outside of the jet as a limousinepulls up. Sterling and Eric get out of the limousine.

STERLINGHarvey, did you decide to get aride back with us after all?

HARVEYMr. Sterling, I've asked Tasha tomarry me.

STERLINGAnd what did you say, Tasha?

TASHAWell, the decision was simple.Either I continue doing menialtasks for a person who neitherrespects me nor cares about me orI can live my dream with a man wholoves me and respects me and willmake me a partner in his life'swork.

Sterling and Eric look at Tasha in anticipation of her

answer to the question. Finally Sterling speaks.

97

STERLING(Impatiently)

And?

Tasha extends her hand and shows an engagement ring.

TASHAWe're engaged.

Eric hugs Tasha and shakes hands with Harvey,congratulating them.

TASHAMr. Sterling, don't I get a hug



from you?

STERLINGI don't think this wedding thingwill be practical. We'll discuss iton the plane.

TASHAWe're staying here a few weeks.

STERLINGYou realize, Tasha, that you willget absolutely no retirementbenefits if you leave me now?

TASHAI've never had retirement benefits.

ERICWhat will you be doing here?

HARVEYI'm supervising a project financedby the Krappenklutz Bank. We'llstart constructing a road into theGreat Liechtenstein Jungle when ashipment of harmonicas arrives.

STERLINGDon't expect an invitation to mynext Christmas party, Tasha.

98

TASHAThe only thing I did at yourChristmas parties was to serve horsd'oeuvres.

STERLING(Angry)

Well, you got to eat some of them,didn't you?

TASHACan't you just be happy for me, Mr.Sterling?



STERLINGWe need to get going, Eric.

Eric hugs Tasha again and shakes Harvey's hand. Good-byesare exchanged.

ERICMr. Sterling, aren't you going tosay good-bye?

STERLINGWe need to get going.

Sterling and Eric head up the airplane stairs. Abouthalfway up, Sterling turns and walks down the steps. Hehugs Tasha and shakes Harvey's hand. As he turns towardthe plane, Tasha puts her hand on his shoulder. He turnsback to her.

TASHAMake sure Eric plays at theNextexit benefit concert.

STERLINGNextexit is a nothing town.

TASHALet him do it, as a favor to me,

won't you Mr. Sterling?

STERLINGOK, as a favor to you, Tasha.

99

INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

Eric peers through the curtains at the auditorium as theaudience fills the seats. Sterling walks up to him.

STERLINGWhy are you so nervous, Eric?

ERICThe auditorium is packed.



STERLINGOf course it's packed. You'replaying at a high school.

Eric continues to look through the curtains silently fora moment.

STERLINGIs the girl out there?

ERICNo.

Mayor Horn’s aide walks up.

AIDEMr. Sterling, the mayor wants toknow when the opening acts are on.

STERLINGWhat opening acts?

AIDEThe mayor has a ventriloquist act.Naturally, I assist. And, ofcourse, no community event inNextexit would be complete withoutthe Sibley Sisters’ synchronized

baton twirling.

100

STERLINGWhere is the mayor? I need to talkto him.

The aide and Sterling depart.

INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER

Eric goes past Sterling and Sparky onto the stage. Theaudience applauds.

SPARKY



What happened to the opening acts?

STERLINGThey are now the closing acts. Themayor was not happy. I think I'veblown any chance of ever getting adiscount on sewer work.

SPARKYWhat a pity.

Eric launches into the 1812 Overture. The crowd cheers.

INT. STAGE - LATER

Eric, his face wet with sweat is seen in slow motion.This fades out as the next scene fades in.

INT. STAGE - LATER

Eric, no longer in slow motion, ends his performance. Thecrowd applauds, getting to their feet.

INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS

The mayor, carrying a ventriloquist dummy, and the aidewalk past Sterling and Sparky.

STERLINGWait! Eric will do an encore.

The mayor and aide glare at Sterling. The dummy givesSterling the finger.

101

INT. BACKSTAGE - A MOMENT LATER

Sterling and Sparky are waiting for Eric as he comes offstage. Sterling hands Eric a towel.

STERLINGMagnificent!

Sylvia approaches.

SYLVIA



Eric!

ERICSylvia, I didn't think you'd makeit!

Sylvia grabs Eric by the arm and pulls him toward a door.

SYLVIAYou have to get out of here! Myfather is coming!

ERICI don't care about that. I'm justglad you came.

EXT. IN BACK OF HIGH SCHOOL - LATE AFTERNOON

Sylvia and Eric come out a door, Sylvia still pullingEric by the arm.

SYLVIAYou have to run! He has a baseballbat.

ERICI'm not running. Sylvia, is thatthe only reason you came to see me,

to warn me about your father?

SYLVIAWhy else would I come?

Eric stops, causing Sylvia to stop.

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ERICI suppose there's no reason.Anyway, I'm not going to run fromyour father. I’ll stand up to himand face him like a man.

The back door of the school swings open. A disheveled andwild looking Scoop steps through the door brandishing abaseball bat.



SCOOP(Shouting)

There you are, you worthlessimbecile!

SYLVIA(Shouting)

Run!

Eric begins running. Scoop runs after him. Eric runs intoan alley and trips over a trash can. He limps away.

EXT. SIDEWALK - A MOMENT LATER

Eric limps down the sidewalk.

SCOOPThere you are!

Eric limps faster, his face showing pain, but soon givesup and turns to face Scoop with a resigned expression.Scoop is walking fast. Sylvia comes up from behind andgrabs her father's right arm, the one with the bat.

SYLVIADad, stop it!

Scoop struggles with his daughter, finally pushing her

away roughly.

SCOOPGo home, Sylvia!

Sylvia gets in front of Scoop, putting both hands againsthis chest.

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SYLVIALeave him alone! He just made amistake! He didn't mean to destroyyour stupid picture!

SCOOPIt was the photo of a lifetime! Nowstay out of this! It's none of yourbusiness!



SYLVIAIt is my business and I can't stayout of it! I love him!

SCOOP(Surprised)

You love him?

ERIC(Surprised)

You love me?

SYLVIAYes, I do.

Sylvia goes into Eric’s arms.

SCOOPSylvia, you can’t love him! Hedestroyed the best photo I’ve evertaken. Do you think I’ll ever haveanother opportunity like thatagain?

Sparky comes up in his wheel chair, wearing hisfirefighting turnout gear. He excitedly points to a placebehind Scoop.

SPARKYLook, Scoop, a building's on fire!

Scoop, looking a bit dazed, turns to look in thedirection that Sparky is pointing. He looks at a buildingthat has flames coming out of windows

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SCOOPIt's the American Flag Store.That's where the Nextexit TanningSalon, Day Care Center andVeterinary Clinic moved to whentheir building burned down.

Scoop walks slowly toward the burning building, thebaseball bat falling from his hand. The walk becomes



slower as the scene goes into slow motion. Out of thefront door of the burning building, a WOMAN IN A BIKINI,about 25, comes carrying a FIVE-YEAR-OLD BOY, thenANOTHER WOMAN IN A BIKINI, about 25, comes out carrying apuppy. Scoop's mouth drops open and he reaches into hispocket for his camera. Beethoven's Ode to Joy plays inthe background. A THIRD WOMAN IN A BIKINI, about 25,comes out of the building carrying an American Flag.Scoop puts the camera to his face and drops to his kneesas he takes pictures. The three women in bikinis standside by side as a gust of wind causes the flag to wave,away from the women, not obstructing them. Eric andSylvia are standing next to each other, watching thespectacle. They turn to each other and smile. Theyembrace and kiss. They remain kissing as the scene ends.

MONTAGE

Scenes are silent except for background music - acontinuation of Ode to Joy with harmonica music added.Harvey and Tasha are at the altar getting married. Tashathrows the bouquet, caught by Sylvia. Sylvia and Ericsmile at each other and then kiss. Mother and Father andtheir children, including Eric, all dressed in suits andnice dresses, are in front of a building with a“WHITE'SLAVA LAMP REPAIR”sign. Father cuts a red ribbonstretched out in front of them. Sterling brings a bucketof water to the desk where his NEW SECRETARY, about 25,

is sitting. He talks to her and motions toward thewindows. The new secretary dumps the bucket of water onSterling and walks out of the office. Eric plays theharmonica at a concert hall, accompanied by Sylvia ontambourine. They finish and receive a standing ovation.Eric and Sylvia embrace and then kiss.

Erics Quest

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